Alex's Nirvana

Alex

I walk home from school quickly, with my hoodie up and my head down. I try and avoid running into nirvana the way I used to. I remember watching her from a distance every single day when I walked home from school, she would always smile and wave at me until the day I finally decided to walk across the street and talk to her, thus starting our friendship.
My heart races in my bruised up and sore chest when I think about running into her, what would I say to her? Would I even face her or would I ignore her and walk away. She is the one that told me to stay away but I know she doesn’t want me to, she clearly misses me but she’s in one of those all too famous ‘not talking to you’ girl phases. I guess I earned it, or at least a part of me does.
I look up at the sky for a second and watch as a single raindrop falls onto my forehead, after that another falls, then another, then another. Before I know it, it’s an avalanche of rain falling onto me and I can’t move, I feel paralyzed and bolted to the ground. I close my eyes and spread my arms out wide as I enjoy the feeling of the refreshing yet numbingly cold water land on me, soaking me fully from head to toe.
I think about her and that time we stood under the rain and started dancing together, I think I started our little water fight by pulling away the umbrella that was sheltering both of us and splashing water all over her accidentally after jumping in a puddle. Instead of getting mad like most girls, she only laughed and ran after me and then we started singing and dancing enthusiastically under the pouring rain. It was like a scene from a movie.
I walk around recklessly with my eyes closed, embracing whatever comes my way, and so be it death. I walk blindly across the currently vacant street and hear nothing but the all natural symphony, the orchestra is the rain hitting the ground, and each rain droplet hits the ground at a different time, creating a sound that is music to my ears.
I hadn't realized I was suicidal until now. I knew I was depressed and miserable but I didn’t think I was this done with life, I didn’t realize that I was actually willing to end it all.  How did I reach this specific point, you ask? Nirvana is the only answer I can give you.
Nirvana is the only reason why I want to live and the only reason I want to die. I didn’t really realize how much I truly needed her until now, as I stand with my eyes closed, completely still in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit me and put me out of my misery.
I see her face in my mind. Her perfect face that looks so delicate, so breakable, yet her eyes are so bold and strong. I can’t hurt her anymore, how much farther can I push her away? When will she understand that I’m bad news? I am bad for her. A guy like me could never be her prince charming, I’m the jerk that breaks her heart and rips her apart before prince charming comes along.
As I say all of this I can still imagine her on my couch, playing video games with me every Sunday when I am too lazy to go out. I can almost smell her berry scent lingering in the air, invading my nostrils too; she has her own customized scent, one that she was born with. I can hear her laugh echoing through my ears, I can also hear her complaining about being named after a rock band when she isn’t even into metal. In my mind, she has her hand on her wide hips and she’s glaring at me disappointedly with her sad baby blue eyes, her hair starts out straight but forms perfect curls towards the end, I can feel the softness of her raven black hair falling down past her shoulders. Her big, pouty lips have been pressed into a thin line and her eyebrows are raised, I’m pretty sure if she could see me right now, she would beat me up until she no longer felt any anger or pain, then she would apologize and help me walk/limp home.
I see a bright light appear in front of me at around the same time I hear thunder growl loudly, almost shaking the ground. I mentally prepare myself for the upcoming impact and apologize sincerely to nirvana in my mind.
I hear a car speeding towards me and I instinctively open my eyes, the car is coming nearer and I want to move, I really do, but I can’t. I am frozen in fear. I am not ready to die, this isn’t how it ends, I am not about to  become the sad story that students at my  school converse about or the cautionary tale that parents will use on their children in order to plant healthy fear in their minds.
I hear her voice in my mind; she screams my name out loud and yells “Alex, run! Get out of the way!” she sounds so real, like she is actually shouting at me from the sidewalk.
The car is about to hit me, about to crash into me, about to knock me off my feet and probably kill me when, just in time, something else knocks me off my feet.
I am knocked over onto the ground by a hard force, I hit my head hard on the pavement and wince at the pain, I’m pretty sure my head is bleeding, but I’m alive. I hear the car halt to a stop and I hear a door slam shut too. I open my eyes, after a silent prayer where I thank God for giving me a second chance and not killing me off because I’m a pure idiot.
I look around and see that no one is by my side, I’m pretty sure someone pushed me out of the way, unless this is like that movie ‘ghost’. I’m also pretty sure the driver got out of the car. I slowly sit up straight and look around until I see her; I see nirvana lying down, right in front of the car, in the middle of the road.
I quickly get up, ignoring the sensation of immense pain spreading through my skull, invading all of the vacant spaces that are a side effect of missing nirvana; it makes me feel like someone has cut my head off, went bowling with it, and then sloppily stitched it back on. It hurts so badly but my head is nothing in comparison to my heart. She jumped in front of me to save me. Nirvana jumped in front of a car and pushed me out of the way.
It’s true that I lived, but the sparing of my pathetic life has come at a very expensive price, how the hell will I ever put this behind me? Everything, all of our fights, arguments, disagreements, everything seems so trivial in comparison to this.
I run to her body and turn her over on her back, her face is badly bruised up and there is so much blood surrounding her, I pull the strand of hair off of her face and toss it to the side and stare at her, her eyes are shut while her mouth is wide open, as if she was caught mid scream and got stuck. I hold her in my arms and scream out, I can’t believe I was that stupid, why the hell did I do that? Why didn’t I move?!
The rain is still pouring down over us; I stay there on the road, holding her in my arms, as the unfortunate driver panics and cries as she looks at me and nirvana.
I can’t focus on anything but her. Her unconscious head rests against my shoulder while her body has been pulled onto mine. I cradle her in my arms and cry hard as I continuously repeat these three words, “please don’t die.” and I sorrowfully think of the other three words I never got to say.