SLIGHTLY RATCHET RANTS-NO BS!

Rant. 1 (Fast Food)

Sighs...sighs again.  Sighs one more time for good measure.  OK, lets get to it.  Wait..I need coffee for this shit. OK the shit is perking.  I've got my Newport lit.. its all good.

So, last weekend at precisely 5 am I took my hungry ass to MCDonald's.  Of course I made my husband come.  Crazy mf's lurk in the wee early hours OK?  First I need to describe the weather.  It was cold as fuck.  The end.  Laughs...

OK, so you know how its all early and shit and you just want something fast to eat.  What do you do?  What I do is this:

Throw on a Tee shirt and some shorts and shoes.  No bra, no socks, no coat.  My husbands crazy ass wore his boxers and a blanket and shoes. No socks.

We get in the cold ass car and make the ten minute drive there.  I was happy as hell because there was like only two cars in-front of me.  I happily placed my order:  Two big breakfast's.  That it.

Twenty fucking minutes later, II'm still in line.  One car ahead of me.  You'd think we were (9th) in line or some shit.  Of course I have a major attitude.  This is some bullshit!  Not only is it some bullshit, I'm on E.  Why am I on E?  Because ima lazy asshole that thinks her car runs on love.  (Eh, I was going to get gas on Monday.)

Anyway.  So I'm all like baby.. I might run out of gas!  Hes all like.. huh?  Why didn't you get gas?  The shit men say.  I explained to him that I didn't get gas because I worked all gawd damn week, it was the weekend and we had no plans to go anywhere.  Duh.

That shut him up.

So... 27 minutes later I arrive at the window.  About damn time! (How do I know how long?)  because I did what any greedy annoyed person would do when they noticed that the shit was taking forever. I timed it!

Duh.

I pay this dude and he gives me my receipt.  I look at my hubby and smile.  All is well.  I forgive you MC Donald's!  Time to get my shit and go home.

...BUT NO!

I hang my arm out the window.. my hand is in the "give me my shit position"  After a couple minutes I get the hint.  I roll my window up and turn up the music.  By now I have the steering wheel in a death grip.  I look and see that I have dropped even lower on E.

Awesome!  Just fuckin awesome.

I look in the portal of yummy "I know I shouldn't be eating this shit" but I'm hungry.  What do I see?  I see three FUCKKNOTS just standing there.  Like common!  I take a deep breath and my hubby gives me a warning.  He says "Babes..."

I turn to look at him and he has the "Bitch if you embarrass me" face on.  I roll my eyes at him and promptly start to  wave my arms.  I'm pissed off!  The car is rocking slightly because I'm jumping in my seat and waving my arms like a freakin lunatic.

So finally this lazy shit notices me and taps the other lazy shit on the shoulder and they open the fucking portal!

"Sir! where is my food," I try to say in a calm voice.

He says oh.. I don't know.

What the fuck do you mean you don't know?  Do you know that I've been waiting for..and yes that's when I picked up my phone.  Exactly 38 minute!  WHERE IS MY MOTHER FUCKING FOOD!  This ass hole then asks me if I want a refund.  Do I want a what?  What I want to do is punch him in his throat and rip of his name tag an stick the needle part of it in his eye!

He repeats himself.

Do.

You.

Want.

A.

Refund.

Just like that.  Like I'm fucking slow.  That pisses me off more.  My husband grips my thigh and squeezes it.  I whip my head around to him and give him my best " Shut the fuck up" look.

The lazy shit that's controlling the portal shuts it.  He fucking shut it when I wasn't looking.  I un hooked my seat belt.  This is it, you will not fucking ignore me!  My husband.. who is obviously more patient then me says.."babes lets just go.  We can go to taco bell."

Are you nuts?  If  I wanted a taco, id of went there in the first place man!

I lean back, and for something to do I look at the receipt. Wait just a freakin minute!  Whats this $3.40 charge for bacon doing there?

Suddenly the portal opens and the lazy shit damn near throws my food at me but ha!  I'm not done yet.  I say "Sir why am I being charged $3.40 for bacon?  When I asked if I could substitute sausage and the answer was yes."

He says "bacon is expensive."

What the hell does that have to do with me?  So I inform him that I could buy a wholeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee pound of bacon for $3.00. I want my  three bucks and odd change back.  Like now.  

He looks at me all blank faced.  I sigh.  Fuck it.  So, I  start the car.  Um.. yea I turned that bitch off! Laughs...

I scream FUCK YOU AND FUCK THEM!  I take pride in showing him my middle finger and I peel off.  Guess what?

When I got home and ripped open my bag off food.  Guess what was missing?  Jelly.  No jelly for my fucking biscuit!  Ain't that a bitch?