34B. |raylijah

38

"Do I look like Oprah?" Tes snapped on the other line of the phone—Elijah called her as soon as it was time for him to go to work. She huffed on the line, her eyes narrowing at the clock near her bedside. It was 6:45am and Jasper didn't have school. She wanted to choke her sibling for the interruption.

"You're my sister. You're supposed to be there for me when I need you." Elijah pouted as he paced around the break room. He couldn't wrap his head around what Rayan told him the previous day and he was ashamed at how awkward he made it by stuttering and not even bothering to say it back—he was a little stunned at the information.

"He loves you. Do a little happy dance."

"I'm definitely happy that he loves me. I just feel like an ass for not saying it back; I fucking choked up like an idiot." His workload didn't seem to cross his mind as he continued anxiously pacing around the various lunch tables—his rambling was beginning to make his head hurt.

"Do you even love him?" Tessa finally asked, now fully awake.

"Yes. I don't know. I think I do." He huffed, biting his nails. He felt for Rayan but he wasn't exactly sure what constituted as love—he'd never experienced a feeling so deep. Ray was his first, true boyfriend so everything felt new to him. In Elijah's book, love meant marriage and kids were near and the thought of something so serious frightened him. He knew he cared for Rayan and he didn't want to lose him, he knew what Rayan likes and dislikes, he knew the man like the back of his hand and found comfort in his very presence but was it love? Or just deep infatuation? He didn't want to lie.

"It's not rocket science to know if you love someone, Elijah. Are you afraid or something? What's going on with you?"

"I don't know, Tes. It's like I'm afraid of being all in—I always hesitate when I feel pressure on me and it's starting to fucking ruin me." He complained.

"Nobody said you had to rush and do things. If you need more time, it's okay—Rayan seems like he's pretty easy to talk to, Eli. I think you're making this harder than it has to be."

"You're right. Sometimes I feel like I'm in over my head."

"It's okay to feel like that. Just voice these things with him so he isn't stuck in the damn twilight zone; you're letting something or someone cloud your judgment and it's not right. Don't take Rayan's love for granted, okay?" Elijah frowned at this. Maybe he was being an asshole about it. He hated to admit that he was moving out of fear when it came to his boyfriend.

"You should be a therapist or something, y'know." He attempted to lighten up the mood. The two laughed for a moment before she spoke again.

"Yeah, as soon as I fix a few of my own problems."