My days were no better. Something’s just missing. At night, my tears would just start to fall from eyes. I’m starting to think I’ve made a bad choice, but then again, I know we’ll just unconsciously keep hurting each other if we continue with it.
I devoted most of my time for work, which somehow helps me divert my attention from all of this. However, there are times that I would just stop and think. I would stop and think how I could let someone go just like that; how weak I was for not fighting for love. But how do you know when to fight? And how do you know when to stop fighting? I guess no one ever knows the right answer.
I appreciate all the effort Kate does to cheer me up. One day, however, she brought an unpleasant news. “I kinda heard that Bailie’s in the hospital and she doesn’t look really good” she said. I felt like my heart stopped a little. I wanted to see her, but I was afraid to see him. My gut told me to go for it; Bailie doesn’t have anything to do with any of this anyway. Why punish the kid?
I bought balloons, flowers and her favorite treat, peanut butter cups. “Why am I so scared to see him?” my inner goddess asked. I think my heart told me the answer: I know if I see him one more time, I just might breakdown. “I just might go and hug him for hours” my inner goddess said.
Anyway, it was only Ian’s mom who was at the hospital that time. “Nice to see you again, Rachelle” she said. “You too, tita. How’s she doing?” I asked. “She’s been there for 3 days now, nothing much has change. Platelet count was still pretty low and she has a transfusion scheduled tonight. We’re all so scared” she said and I just can feel sadness in her voice. I hugged her, “don’t worry, Tita. She’s strong. She’ll get through this.”
I went inside and sat beside her bed. “Time to get better, sweet girl. We all miss you” I said to her like she was awake. “You know it’s not good to scare us like this”, I giggled. I knew she wouldn’t respond, but I can feel her fighting. Suddenly, I saw her eyes open. “Hey. Look who’s awake.” She seemed a little disoriented but she managed to give me a little smile. “I thought you already forgot about me” she said, and I can feel the weakness in her voice. “That’s not going to happen, ever” I told her. “’You look sad” she said. “Don’t worry; everything’s going to be alright. The right time will come. I just know it” she continued. I smiled, “Well, thank you.” “Promise you’ll visit me again?” she said and slowly closed her eyes. “I promise, sweetheart.”
*****
The next day, I received a call from Ian’s mom. “I’m so sorry to bother you, Rachelle, but we’re just worried.” “What’s wrong, Tita?” “We can’t contact Ian since last night. Hindi pa siya umuuwi. I’m so sorry I know you’re both going through something right now but we’re just wondering if you know a place where he’d likely spend the night?” “I’ll try to remember, Tita. I’ll call you back.” “Okay. Thank you.”
“What are you doing, Ian?” my inner goddess asked. I knew I was worried. I was trying to remember all the places we’ve been to and I suddenly remembered the house. I drove all the way to his favorite place. I just knew he’s there. I just know it.
I saw his car parked outside. “Do I really want to do this?” my inner goddess asked. I’m here anyway, might as well just do it. I went inside and straight to the terrace. There he was, standing and staring into space. “Hey, thought I’d find you here” I said. He turned and just stared for the longest time. I can see the longing in his eyes. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I should be the one asking you that” I said and walked beside him.
“What are you doing, Ian? They’re all worried” I told him.
“It’s just too much. I can’t see her suffer again like that. Everything’s just too much. I just want it to stop.”
“No matter how badly we want things to stop, nothing is going to. The world’s not gonna stop for anyone.”
“I know I’ve hurt you, and I’m so sorry. But don’t take it out on anyone, especially Bailie. She needs you, especially now. She’s fighting for you, Ian. Please don’t give up” I continued.
He faced me, staring deeply into my eyes, “but I gave up on you, didn’t I? I did not fight. I did not protect you.”
“No, don’t say that. You did fight. You did everything. It’s just not the right time. “
“Kung kelan pa man yan, I’m willing to wait. I will wait for the right time. I will wait for you” he said. I just, I just melted. I cannot bear this anymore.
“Alam ko naman yun eh. I know you’ll always be there, and I will be forever thankful for that. But right now, it’s time to go home” I said to him. He did come home.
***
“Heyy, how are you? AND BE HONEST!” Kate asked while we were having lunch. “I can say I’m better” I answered. “But there’s just something missing” I continued. “I know I can see it” she said. “You still love him” she continued. “I still love him, I know I do. That will never ever change” I said.
Karen Shreck once said. “If you love something, let it go.” How can you let go of something or someone you truly love? Why do we even have to let go? My guess is so we could protect each other. If you don’t let go, you’ll just hurt each other and you’ll lose the love. At least in letting go there is a sense of longing, so the love will always be there. I don’t know why they call it heartbreak when every part of my body feels broken. I feel incomplete. I am incomplete without him.
