Reforming Society •• OneRepublic {2}

Expendable

Ramona's P.O.V.

Ramona had her back turned to everyone else, facing the large windows looking out into the backyard. She heard Johana leave, but someone else was still behind her. They approached and put a hand on her left shoulder.

Lynn's sweet voice said, "Ramona."

Ramona turned slightly to shove Lynn's hand away. Lynn stepped back and Ramona looked over at her. There were many things in her friend's gaze, like concern and her own hurt. A part of Ramona felt bad, and that softened her tone a bit. At this bit of sensitivity, she looked away and told Lynn quietly, "Please, leave."

Lynn didn't budge for a moment and Ramona gave her a chance. Until she spoke again.

"No, please talk to me---"

"Lynn, I don't want to!"

Lynn flinched at this and Ramona was now looking at her again. She raised her eyebrows in expectation and Lynn looked about to move, but was stuck on it. She glanced in between Ramona and the door.

"Lynn, leave. I don't want to talk to anyone." Ramona repeated.

Lynn's eyebrows came closer together, but with sad eyes she finally fled the room. Ramona stayed in her spot, staring at the place Lynn had just been. Then, without warning, she fell to the edge of the bed and began to cry.

However, halfway through her breakdown, Ramona looked up and saw her door was still about a quarter open. Through the small opening, she saw all three of the girls huddled in the hallway, quietly talking. Ramona shook her head at this, and with tears still spilling down her cheeks, she shut herself back in the bathroom. This time, she made sure to lock both doors.

As she locked the one at the back leading into the closet, she turned around and saw the water in the bathtub. It was only steaming a little bit, slowly cooling down just as Ramona slowly froze in the midst of cold depression.

I can't do it here. She thought while her heart began to ache again. And with this, Ramona moved to stand in front of the mirror. After a few seconds, she let the robe drop, silk pooling around her ankles.

Ramona let her eyes roll over every exposed inch of her body. She hated her messy, damaged hair. She hated her eyes, which were always puffy from crying. She hated the way her lips weren't symmetrical. She hated how disproportionate her upper torso looked. She hated the bit of fat she had around her middle. She hated that she didn't have wide enough hips.

She hated herself. Not only was her body the very epitome of wretched misfortune, but she had little to offer anyone, whether it be in terms of a friend or a wife.

Ramona understood that Addie, Lynn, and Johana may as well have been friends with her out of pity, and would not be surprised if they were talking about how much of a drag she was now in the hallway. But Ryan was an entirely different story.

The man wasn't an idiot, and she was quite certain he wasn't low enough to go for someone as expendable and dreadful as she. The ways in which he could've possibly loved her kept her up at night, especially recent nights, few of which he was even beside her. Sometimes she even wondered if he, too, was there out of pity. Perhaps he merely wanted to help a girl being beat by her fiance, but soon after realized there was nothing there for him because she was, after all, expendable.

Perhaps, she thought, he wasn't really at work all those days and nights.

Ramona stared back at her skin. It was so clean, and she genuinely wondered why. How come she was taken away from her father? Shawn? Her razors? Her body was a canvas simply meant for destructive hands and sharp metal. Even when Ramona closed her eyes, she could very clearly see the purple and blue and black of the bruises she had for so many years. She could still feel the blood running down her arms and hands, painting them bright red, if she focused hard enough.