Butterfly Keeper // h.s. au

Chapter Forty Seven

I'm being rocked like a baby, or like when I was only three and I couldn't sleep so mom would hold me and promise that the monsters under my bed weren't real. I guess she lied through, but then again, don't all parents lie to their kids?

There's a rushing sound surrounding me, pittering and passing in my senses. It's calming in a way if you add these two sensations together, the rocking and then the mixture of rushing background noise. I know if I open my eyes it will all be ruined, nothing's ever the same in the light of day whether that be the loss of poetic mystery or sadistic fear. It doesn't matter either way being I know when I open my eyes the mystery will be gone and the fear will set in.

    I hate the fact that it's my only choice.

    I blink my eyes twice, looking up at a black ceiling. There's only one stain up there, a small white circle seeming perfect in shape and size. My eyes space out into that dark color, blurring as I realize that I am not dead. Air filters through my lungs and reemerges into the world through my heart shaped nostrils. Breathing means I'm alive, but then again no? Maybe this is what hell is like and I'll be trapped in this car with a silent driver, forever taking me somewhere that I'm never meant to know.

    Of course, I know who's car this is. I've looked up at that stain many times while pressed in his arms with the moon shining through his tinted windows, highlighting all the best parts of his face. I can pretend for a moment that that's where I'm at right now, in his arms with nothing but his eyes to be lost in. But it would all be a lie, and I'm not a liar like him.

The pain in my hands suddenly comes to life as I look down at the way they're bound together with plastic twist ties. The skin around the ties is a fleshy pink and quite raw. It seems to hurt more the longer I look at it so I avert my gaze to the white spreading of Harry's comforter surrounding my body. It has blood marks in a few places, no doubtedly from his hands. I shiver at the thought, finally moving my eyes to the cloud of curls pressed against the driver's seat headrest.

His rearview is pointed at me so that I catch sight of his eyes narrowed on the road right away. It feels too soon to look at him again, but I think that's because I don't want to deal with the reality of the situation yet. Yes, my feet and hands are stuck together with twist ties and my heart is racing out of my chest and my side feels like something's been stabbed into it. But I fear if I truly process all that, my life will officially come to an end.

His eyes flicker in the mirror to mine, not as bloodshot as my last memories but decorated with dark circles and colorful bruises. I'm not surprised in the least, he's always known when I'm watching. I have to wonder if that's something that comes with taking a life. Maybe it never was something special he had for only me, only being a form of his self preservation.

I pull my eyes away from his gaze, my heart seeming to spasm with worry as I remind myself to stay calm. I can't panic like last night or I'll never get free.

I observe the rain pouring down and flying by outside the window above my feet, the source of my rushing sound. It doesn't soothe me anymore when I know his eyes are observing me through the mirror. I try to focus on the way the lights illuminate the rain through the smallest spark of sunrise as they pass us, but that doesn't stop my thoughts from wandering.

I'm hurt and scared and so confused. I don't recognize the person sitting only inches away from me, steering me far away from all I'm familiar with. There's a part of me that doesn't believe it's really him either. The person I know and love would never be in this position right now, he'd be back home shaking his head at me with a sleepy smile as I scold him and bandage his battle damage from Mr. Payne.

Have I really been so blind this whole time? How have I ceased to come across the real identity that was hiding beneath his skin, and what all did he hide from me to bring us to this moment I find myself in right now? It can't be real, it just can't. And everything inside me is in an uproar not to believe it.