Olivia
The days following my fight with Liam are strange. We're trying to pretend everything is back to normal but I think we both know things are still strained. I don't think there's any way they couldn't be. I came to a huge realization three days ago. I'm in love with Harry. I can't keep lying to myself. I love him. I can't stop thinking about how connected I felt to him the other night. Every time I see him I get butterflies just remembering it. I can't help but watch him when I know nobody will see me. I love everything about him. The way he can't keep his hands still when he talks. They move in time with his slow, measured voice making it almost impossible for me not to be entranced by him. The way his incredible dimples pop out on his cheeks when he's laughing, playing with Lux. The way his green eyes haven't stopped shining since I accidentally told him I love him. Most of all though, it's the way he comes alive on stage. I've only seen him that free and happy in one other situation. And that's when we're alone together. But along with the butterflies in my stomach, being around him gives me this ache in my chest. Because I've finally realized how much I love him, but I know I can't do anything about it. For the millionth time, I've decided I'm staying with Liam.
Realizing I love Harry hasn't made me love Liam any less. It doesn't make sense. You would think loving Harry would require taking some of that love from Liam. But it's like my heart doubled in size or something. When I look at Liam I still see the guy I fell for so many months ago. The guy that I was devastated over when he didn't remember our kiss. The guy that broke Grant's nose when he cheated on me, knowing I only saw him as a friend. The guy that told me he loved me when he knew I couldn't say it back. Liam is kind, generous, protective, loving. He's one of a kind. He's too good for me. Even now, he's putting his needs aside so that I can try to sort my shit out. When I told him I couldn't move in with him, I saw how hurt he was. But since we hashed everything out, he hasn't mentioned it once. He's being completely supportive and I know, I couldn't do better than him if I tried.
I love Harry but I love Liam too and I know, in the end, Liam is the better choice. Harry is unpredictable. He says he loves me now but that could change a week from now or a month from now. Harry has proven multiple times how much he can hurt me. I'm not saying that Liam hasn't hurt me too, but when he does he owns up to his mistakes. Harry doesn't. Everything he's done is justified to him. All's fair in love and war, right? Well I don't want to fight. I want someone who is going to lift me up, not bring me down. I'm a better person when I'm with Liam and I can't ignore that.
Of course, I haven't told Harry any of this. I'm still pretending that night didn't happen. He knows I'm lying but nothing he says or does is going to make me break. And I know he's trying to make me break. It seems like every time I turn around, he's there. Acting as happy go lucky and carefree as ever. He's pretending everything is fine and normal but when he gets close enough he can't help but taunt me. Every time we're out of earshot of other people he'll lean over and whisper in my ear. "Have you stopped lying to yourself yet?" "I can't wait to hear those three little words from your lips again." "I caught you staring at me just now." And so much worse. He's suggested we sneak away more than once. I just pretend to laugh and walk away so nobody grows suspicious. Nobody can know. I can't even tell Lexie. If I say it out loud, it's real. And I can't let it be real. Maybe once I'm over him, I'll tell her. But not yet.
Luckily, Lexie has something else on her mind. Moving in with Niall seems to be the only thing on her brain right now. Nobody else knows yet. Only me. They're keeping it hidden for some reason but after Niall told me I couldn't pretend I didn't know. I could tell how excited she was when I asked her about it but she was trying to keep it hidden. She didn't want rub it in my face right after I decided not to move in with Liam. Niall passed along that news too. He really isn't the best at keeping secrets. It makes me a little worried that he knows about Harry and I now, but I know he would never reveal any of that on purpose. I have to trust that he'll be able to keep that secret.
