Family Doesn't End in Blood, But it Doesn't Start There Either

Questioning Dad

"Wait, you call Gen but don't talk to me when you do?"

"I'm not talking to her very long. It's just to say I love you and goodnight. Don't get mad at me. I'm antsy because I was worried you were going to stay and because I'm worried that since you're 19 and not a kid anymore by any means, that at some point, you're gonna leave. We love having you around and you're so good with the boys."

"Why do you keep repeating I'm good with the boys? Is that all I am? Someone to take care of the boys when you and Gen are tired? Is that really my purpose of staying with you?" I asked. I felt so attacked and meaningless.

"Sarah, you know that's not true."

"Do I? You hardly talk to me, you came back for my birthday which shows you care, but I'm starting to feel like you think I'm some live-in nanny and you only love me when you feel like it. Don't get me wrong, I love the boys to death and I love taking care of them and giving you and Gen a break. But recently, I've been feeling like that's all I mean to you. I could easily just up and leave. I could go stay with my brother or find somewhere but there's a reason I don't. I don't leave because I love you and Gen. You are family and I've never truly had one until I was with you guys. Don't give me a reason to lose this one." I snapped. He had just gotten so out of touch with me. While I had always been closer to Jared, Gen had started to be the one who acted more like a parent to me than him.

"We'll talk when we get to the apartment. I'm not gonna make a scene or give people the wrong idea here." He told me softly. I looked out the window and ignored him the whole flight. We took a cab to the apartment and got settled back in. I put my stuff in my room and sat on my unmade bed. I didn't want to go out to Jared. I was afraid he would yell. He knocked on my door a while later. "You don't have to ignore me. I'm not gonna yell at or hurt you."

"Ok. I believe you. What do you want to say?"

"Ok. I'm hurt that you think I don't love you. I'm hurt that you think I only care that you're good with the boys. Look, Sarah, I haven't talked to you enough. I know I haven't and all I can say is I'm sorry. But you have never been just someone who takes care of the boys. You have never been anything less than a friend and daughter to me. Since day one. I'm not saying I want you to leave and move out. I know you will someday when you meet someone, but I don't want it to be now and especially not be because you misunderstood what I said. I was hoping you coming with me would help. I don't see you nearly enough and this way, you see me some at least. I'll try to see you as much as I can when I'm filming. You just have to understand that I'm trying. Will you tell me why you think I don't love you?"

"I've been feeling that way because you never talk to me. The first time I hear from you in weeks is when you came back for my birthday. I appreciated it a lot, but when everyone hung out and talked, you were talking to Gen and the boys and seeing how they were doing. Gen and everyone else checked on me and talked to me, but I hardly got a word in with you. Then I told you I was coming with you and you almost instantly object and ask me to check with Gen, which was understandable, but then last night, all you said about it was be ready by noon. There was no "I'm excited to spend time with you" or "I hope you enjoyed your birthday" nothing that indicated you cared. I've been feeling kind of left aside by you. If that's not your intention then I understand, but it's been feeling intentional. You can spend time with your wife all you want. I'm not saying that's wrong, but I feel like you sorta stopped caring about how I feel." I explained.

"Wow. Sarah, I didn't know I was doing that. I thought I had been including you enough but I guess I wasn't. I didn't mean to imply I didn't care. I love you so much, Sarah. I was never trying to shove you aside or make you feel this way. I'm so sorry, kiddo. Speak up next time."

"The way you explained stuff before and everything, made me feel like you honestly think I'd leave or like you wanted me to. I don't want to." I added.

"I don't want you to either. Someday, you will but I hope that it's down the road once you marry someone. Sarah, I screwed up. I never said goodnight to you or anything to you even when I called Gen and that was my first mistake. I'm sorry I made you feel unloved. I'm sorry you think I don't care. I'm sorry you're mad. I'm sorry you feel shoved aside. I'm sorry I don't make enough time for you. I'm sorry for everything, Sarah. I love you so much and I wish you saw that and how hard I try." I sat there as tears fell quickly. I tried to swat them away but failed. He got up and started leaving my room.

"Dad, wait." I stopped him. "I'm sorry." I squeaked out.

"What?" He asked.

"I said I'm sorry."

"Why? You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes I do. I should have known you weren't doing any of this intentionally. I guess I- I'm just so used to the feeling of being unloved that subconsciously I was waiting for you to stop. I know you love me, I know you care, I know you aren't shoving me aside, I know you try your best to make time for me, and I never should have accused you of doing otherwise. I know you're stressed about stuff and are trying to raise the boys while being so far away. I know you occasionally video chat, but I know it's hard to have time to. I know you wish you could spend more time with mom and I know you worry about doing a good job with everything you do. I know that puts you on edge and I know I make you even more stressed. I'm sorry I accused you. I love you and I'm sorry." I replied. I felt so bad for thinking he didn't love me. He had made it evident that he did even though he hardly talked to me.

"Sarah, come here." He motioned me over to where he was standing. He wrapped me tightly in a hug. "You were upset by how I was acting and rightfully so. You were mad and so you accused me of not loving you. Yes, it was wrong and somewhat out of line but I understand where you're coming from and that your emotions made you lash out. I'm not mad at you and I know you didn't mean what you said. Let's just forget about this and move on, ok?" I nodded.

"I love you." I stated almost cautiously.

"Love you too. How does spaghetti sound for dinner?"

"Good. I'm hungry."

"Me too." I made my bed before we ate dinner. We hung out on the couch watching tv before he spoke up. "Hey. It's only like 11, but is it ok if I head to bed? My call time is 5:30 tomorrow morning."

"Yeah of course. Go ahead. Goodnight."

"Goodnight. If you need anything, let me know. I'll have my phone on me all day tomorrow. Lunch break is at noon. Maybe we can do something so I can see you more."

"Sounds good." I replied before he headed to bed.