Remembering Mr. Perfect

Twenty Six

"Tonie, ito pala si Doctor Kim. She can understand Filipino maliban sa Chinese and English. She will be your attending physician from now on." Ivan showed me a shy smile; I didn't even see the depths of his dimples.

Naglahad si Doctor Kim ng kamay, "Tonie." She said with a nod. Kinuha ko yun bago ko ginawian ng tingin si Ivan. May alinlangan sa mukha niya bago siya tumango sa akin, "D-doc iwan ko muna kayo ni Tonie para makapag-usap kayo ng mabuti." Alam kong labag sa kalooban niya iyon pero lumabasa pa rin naman siya.

Silence swept in again. I am staring oddly at Doctor Kim as she fumbles through the pages of her clipboard, frowning even more with every second that passes.

She drew in a deep, long breath before she rests the clipboard on her legs. "Tonie, first of all I want to say I am very sorry for your loss. Hindi madaling makarecover from a miscarriage, I've been there before and I now the pain you are feeling right now."

I tried so hard not to be swayed by her words. Besides, hindi ko pa alam kung ano siya ni Ivan. If she is one of his freaking cousins again, hindi ko na lang alam.

"Kaano-ano mo si Ivan?"

She blinked back her confusion brought by my unsolicited question. "Actually, kahapon ng hapon ko lang siya nakilala. Doctor June referred me to him. Alam kasi ni June na nawalan din ako ng baby because she was the one who rushed me to the E.R. three years ago. At ang sabi niya, ako ang una niyang naisip hoping na I would secure a connection with you since we share the same experience."

And I now, I would really want to ask what is her specialization because she sounds like a psychologist right now. But I stomped down on that thought. Wala naman siyang kasalanan sa akin, wala akong karapatang sungitan niya.

"Tonie, did you experience any type of depression lately?" She promptly asks. Depression? Maybe now, yes. Pero dati, no.

"No."

Her eyebrows formed a unibrow when she heard my answer. "Then why are you taking anti-depressants? Your blood test results show traces of SSRIs."

It dawned on me na mukha hindi nga siya kakonchaba ng mga Ching. Dahil kung nasabihan na siya dati, hindi magiging ganito ang reaksyon niya. "I'm sorry traces of what Doc?"

"Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors." Great another jargon. When she saw how lost I was she started explaining. "SSRIs such as Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft. Common types ng anti-depressive drugs, they are known to cause risks in pregnancy, namely miscarriage."

I began to feel dizzy with every bit of information I hear. A part of me just wants to space out, stuck my fingers in my ear and sings a tune loud enough to muffle Doctor Kim's voice. But the other half of me wants to sit still and attentively listen to every word she is about to say.

I grasp on the bed collapsible support so I wont fall off as she continue her explanation. "In fact, 71% ng mga babaeng umiinom ng mga gamot na ito suffers from spontaneous abortion. And not only that, you also seem to have high CRH in your body and this is not very healthy. You see CRH is being produced by the brain during stress, this may or may not induce uterine contractions depending on the level of it. Nakaranas kaba ng pananakit ng likuran mo? Especially your lower back before this happened?"

I shook my head as I held on for my sanity within the thin bars of my bed. I saw my knuckles turn white as I clutched on it tighter. Nagsusulat si Doc habang tumatango tango. "Okay, so alongside CRH our body also produces other chemicals. Tryptase is one of them. Though it is still not established, Tryptase is known to act as a meat tenderizer which destroys tissue and prevents the production of membranes around the developing embryo. Causing havoc and then eventually, miscarriage."

Her voice had gone flat on the last word. Hindi ko na kayang iproseso yung mga sinabi niya. I don't know which I should feel first, anger, sadness, confusion. I don't know.

I just sat there staring at the blinding neatness of the white wall. My heart is stuck at my throat. I can't even cry. Feeling ko hindi na kayang punan ng pag-iyak ang mga nalaman ko. Pakiramdam ko hindi na kayang maibsan ng iyak ang galit ko sa kanila.

"Tonie, are you okay?" Hindi ko alam kung pang ilang tanong na niya sa akin iyon pero nang nilingon ko sya, alam kong hindi yunang una. "Do you want me to continue or should I come back some other time?"

"N-no, I want to hear everything now. Once and for all."

Though she looked at me quizzically, wala naman siyang nagawa kundi ipagpatuloy ang sinasabi niya sa akin. "It also says here that you also took Xanax, a calming drug. Have you been experiencing dizziness, irritability, sweating, headaches, blurred visons and the likes?"

Napatango ako sa sinabi niya. "Y-yes."

"Tonie you have to tell me why are you taking this drug gayong hindi mo naman kailangan? These are mere side effects of the drug, sometimes memory loss comes with it too. Which takes me further to the last matter at hand. I had a few discussions with some friends of mine. Both are doctors, one is a psychologist and the other a neurologist. Pinakita ko ang MRIs mo and your patient history as well. I take it that you experienced massive headaches. Can you elaborate that more with me?"

I gulped for some strength so that I won't pass out. "Hindi ko na siya na-experience maybe two or three days now. But whenever it hits me, it comes with fragments of my lost memories; I have written them all in a paper hoping that I could stitch them all up so I could see the bigger picture." I want to mentally smack myself for telling her about my secret stash of my memories. Baka sabihin niya kila Ivan and God knows what they will do.

A smile crept on her face which puzzled me. But she didn't have to let me ask, she barreled me up with the answer I need. "Tonie, your MRIs and CTs are within normal limits. You are experiencing Dissiociative Amnesia. Ito rin ang isinulat na diagnosis ng doctor mo sa Pilipinas." Napahapo ako sa ulo ng naaalala ko ang text ni Doctor Mariano na nabasa ko sa cellphone ni Ivan. He has been trying to tell this all along. But Ivan blindsided me! I also remember their argument the last time I saw him. Pieces by pieces came together as rage traveled directly to my head.