Spencer Reid One Shots

Breathe Again

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn’t look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?

Everything felt like it was breaking. Your heart, your body, your soul. And the look on his face when you’d told him you were leaving was a look you would never ever forget.

“Why?” he’d asked, over and over. Each time you’d shook your head not quite being able to put your feeling into words, only knowing that you had to leave.

All those words came undone and now I’m not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

“Please, Y/N. I love you and you love me, don’t you?” Spencer’s eyes pleaded with you, his voice cracking with misery and despair.

“I do. But it’s not enough.”

Spencer looked at you confused. And you couldn’t blame him. You did love him. You felt horrendous for doing this, and you’d deliberated over this for weeks. But it no longer felt right staying with him.

“How… How is it not enough? Y/N…. Please. I don’t understand. We’re happy aren’t we? We don’t argue, we want the same things; a family and a future together. I’d do anything for you, I’d die for you.”

Extreme, but desperation sometimes made people extreme. And he was right again. You and he didn’t argue, you never fell out. He’d already mentally picked out the little house with the white picket fence where you’d live after you were married. And you thought you wanted all of that. But…

It was his last line. “I’d die for you.”

“I know you would. And that’s the problem, I wouldn’t for you.”

All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again
I’ll breathe again

Spencer’s face fell and crumpled, as he sank down into the couch. You didn’t move from your spot in the arm chair where you’d sat to tell him you were leaving. You wanted to go and hold him, but it would make things worse.

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view

Three years you and he had been together, moving in with each other after a year. Ten months ago your sister lost her husband to cancer and you’d spent weeks comforting her, hearing her crying over and over that she wished she could trade places with him, that she would have done anything to have him back.

And it made you think. And as horrible as those thoughts were you slowly started to realise that you didn’t have those same deep feelings for Spencer. You thought you did, but… the more and more you thought about it, the more you realised that there was something missing. A passion, that burning need for each other.

Sure, you didn’t want anything bad to happen to him because you did love him. He was a fabulous boyfriend, there was really no faulting him there. There was a just a piece missing some where. Like when he was away on a case, you didn’t really miss him, you just got on with life. You worried but it didn’t bother you that he was away so often. You actually sometimes preferred it when he wasn’t there.

There were so many thoughts and feelings that had been running through your mind for weeks. And ultimately it came down to the fact that yes, you loved him.

But not as much as he loved you.

Not by a long shot.

And that wasn’t fair on him or on you.

Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can’t carry anymore

Both of you deserved someone who felt that fire inside for the other person. He may feel it for you, but you didn’t for him. You wanted to. You wanted to so fucking badly. You wanted him to be your reason to wake up in the morning, you wanted him to be the love of your life. You wanted so badly to feel head over heels, irrecoverably in love with him. But you didn’t and you couldn’t make yourself feel that for him. So you needed to go. Give him the chance to find someone that would feel that for him and to give you the chance to feel that way about someone else.

All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again

“Spencer. I’m sorry. So so sorry. It’s such a cliché to say but it really really isn’t you here. You’ve done nothing wrong. And neither have I. Not really. I just…. I love you but I’m not in love with you. Not the way I should be.”

He looked up at you with tears streaming down his face.

“How should you be?”

Brushing swaying a falling tear of your own you tried to explain it.

“I should…. I should miss you when you’re not here and I don’t. I look forward to seeing you but it’s not the highlight of my day. I love you but I know I have more love to give. I don’t yearn for you and I don’t burn for you. Not in the way that a partner should. You deserve more than this from me.”

“But… What if… What if I’m happy. What if I accept that you don’t love me in the way that I love you and we just…live with it. I don’t need more, I’m happy with what we’ve got.”

He was clutching at straws and he knew it. In time though, he’d realise that you were right to leave.

You stood up and placed your house keys down on the table. Your car was packed up and your sister was expecting you in her spare room for a few months.

“Spencer, I’m not. You deserve more than me and I deserve more than this. I want to feel like I couldn’t live without somebody. That’s when I’ll know that they are the one for me. And I know…. I’m sorry but I know that I can live without you.”

It killed you to walk out of that room, out of that apartment that you’d called home. It killed you to get into your car and to start the engine. And when you made it to your sisters, you collapsed in her arms in tears.

Because you truly did love Spencer Reid. Just not how you should have done despite your best efforts, despite trying so hard to make him the one you wanted to live for.

But he just wasn’t. Was that person out there? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe Spencer was the best you were going to get and you’d thrown it all away.

Or maybe someday in six weeks, six months or even six years time you’d walk into a room and lock eyes with someone and just know that they were the person you couldn’t live without. The person that would become your oxygen, your reason.

All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching
All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, and still I’m searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again
I’ll breathe again, I’ll breathe again,
I’ll breathe again, I’ll breathe again,
I’ll breathe again, I’ll breathe again