Fixing Her (ON HOLD)

✔️[3]Attention On Her.

EDITED!

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Once the strange new boy is away to his own table and is nowhere near me, I sigh a sigh of relief.

Not like a small sigh...

I mean like I sigh you make when your out of breath and the only way to get your breath back quicker is to sigh loud and heavy.

Yep, that kind of sigh.

After I sighed my sigh of relief, they whole cafeteria goes silent.

I bet you that you can hear a baby pin drop with how silent the lacked room is.

I look up to see everyone staring at me, great.

Everyone knows me for being extremely quiet in school.

I'm not mute but yet I get treated like I'm one, though people do know I talk when I want to which is really rare so I see where they're coming from when they call me mute.

They all continue to stare at me, I could see blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes...

I hated seeing all the happy yet shocked faces around me, I envied them.

I envied them with all my heart.

It reminds me of what they have and what I can never have.

It reminds me of how happy they are while I don't even know the proper meaning of happiness.

It just reminds me of everything I don't have. I hate it so much.

I sigh a quiet sigh this time before getting up, everyone's eyes following my every move.

I put my head down and tried to keep my weight off my feet so I didn't make thumping noises from how fat and heavy I am as I walked out the cafeteria doors to my next class.

People said that's it unhealthy for me with my diet. I said it's the only thing that will help me.

People said it's dangerous for me to do what I do to my body. I said it's my only escape.

People said I'm going to die at a young age for everything I put myself through. I said I couldn't wait.

I honestly, truly couldn't wait for that moment to come, where my fat ass can do everyone a favour and end it.

I just don't have the supplies.

I need pills, ran out with my last attempt.

I need blades, too much of my blood on them and not sharp enough with how much I used them.

I need a rope, last one burned in a house fire in my old house.

I'd have to go and get some, maybe all of the supplies so I know for sure it will work.

Better safe then sorry, right?

I never knew what that phrase meant before everything happened and my lose of supplies.

I should've been better safe than sorry but I used to never believe in it but now I do and that's all I will be doing until it all comes to an end.

Where everyone is happy including myself.

It's basically a win-win situation and I can't wait until it's all over and done with.

People might call me a attention whore for this, they might say I'm only making this all up for people to notice me and care for me but I'm not.

I could never do that, even if I tried.

People also say the depression shit isn't a good act on me and that I should try a different way of getting people's attention but I can't.

I hate attention.

I don't know why the people said that when I clearly try and steer away from all the attention.

I remember hearing someone in the bathroom stall beside me when I was cutting talking on the phone to her friend about me.

She said that I'm a attention whore that tries to keep attention off me to get even more attention.

I think everyone says this about me because I'm knowing around the school as, 'The Mute Depressed Dark Girl.' While she's just known as, 'The Schools Slut.' As people in movies and books say.

I believe no ones a slut or whore, I think that we all have certain hobbies that we enjoy doing them and that some are more addicted than others.

Ok maybe I don't believe that, I believe there's sluts and whore.

I'm not trying to slut shame people but I can definitely name a few, ok... Maybe a lot.

The bell suddenly rung much to my surprise, I sigh quietly before making my way to class.

I can hear people whispering around me, probably talking to their friends about what happened in the cafeteria not that long ago.

I sigh again, with my head down as I walk into my last class of the day. I sit in my seat at the very back corner with my head down trying not to attract anymore attention on myself.

I mean, I understand why people are talking about me.

I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm depressed and I'm mute, well to them at least.

But the first 2 are 1000% true.

No matter what anyone says, I'm always going to believe my opinion.

It doesn't matter if you tell me 1 million times that I'm the most prettiest girl at school, I wouldn't believe you unless I tell myself that.

I mean like actually tell myself it and not try and convince myself to go a bit easy on myself.

The teacher then walks in, interrupting my train of thoughts as he slammed the door shut like he always does.

I let out what seems to be the 100th sigh today before putting my head deeper into my arms on the desk.