Intent [Wattys 2017]

Chapter 26

Liquid courage, that's what I need.

I don't even care that I am getting drenched walking towards the pub. I just have no will left inside to care about what I look like or even grab an umbrella before I ventured outside.

Yes, I sound like a crazy person but to be truthful, I love the rain. I feel protected by it, even if I look like death is about to come over. If I was a normal girl seeking out a guy I would have gotten all made up and looking my best but I need him now and I am selfish enough to show up at his apartment soaking wet ready to give myself to him not matter how terrified I am.

All I want is his arms around me, telling me he's here and saying we'll be ok. His words of encouragement mixed in with his deep husky voice are just the things I need to make this whole situation better. I know it.

As I make my way to the pub I am flooded by the fact, yes the fact, that Harry knows nothing real about me, well nothing about my past at least. The stuff that has shaped me as a person anyway. How can I have a relationship with someone when they don't even know such fundamental things? I can't think about this now, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

One emotional admission at a time Emma. Find a drink, that's what you need.

You're at the door, all you have to do is grab the knob and pull the door open.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Using alcohol, no matter how reckless it is, has always been my way of dealing with things. Even while growing up I found a way to gain access to the heavenly bottle and drown my troubles until I didn't remember what happened. It never lasted too long but for those few moments when I was free of all those troubles were the best the moment's of the day.

But that was then and this... well I don't know what the fuck this is yet as I stand here just staring into the lively pub that I have loved going in so often.

A rowdy group of coed's trying to get past me and into the bar pull me from my thoughts and cause me to stumble to the side and watch the movement inside. Staring into the busy bar, just looking at all the fun people are having, a flash of chestnut curls catch my attention. No, I'm mistaken obviously. It's still raining outside and my eyes are still puffy so I'm definitely seeing things. Harry has been the main thing running through my mind this whole time so of course I think it's him but it's not obviously.

He's waiting, Louis said.

I'm struck by how rational I am being at this moment. The old Emma, even the Emma from a few days ago, would burst into the pub and find out what's going on but I'm not.

What on earth has changed? Well a lot has but I would have never thought enough to actually make me grow as a person.

Before I can overanalyze any further the mess of familiar looking chestnut curls is gone and I am left in the cold damp street in the middle of the night.

I feel my heart suddenly spring up in my throat, my body obviously reacting more emotionally than my mind. It feels like I'm choking as my heart pounds on. My rational self knows it's not him but my heart, it's heavy with the thought that he's out having a good time with that blonde from the other night. The image of Harry with his tongue down her throat flash through my mind making me feel sick to my stomach. If my eyes weren't already swollen from crying earlier I don't think I would even feel that I had started up again but I do.

I'm still not ready to go to his apartment yet and without some liquid courage there is really only one thing left to do, just walk.

And that's what I do. I do this sometimes, I just go out and start walking. No real destination or purpose to it, I just walk. Clear my head and breath in the cool fresh air.