By Design (BWWM) [Complete]

Chapter 11: Hidden Pearl

She'd straightened her hair, locking it in a bun at the nape of her neck. There were no traces of the woman he'd met mere months ago. He disapproved of the drastic changes she up and made. Connor wanted her back! Things had been just fine before that blasted trip to Benin. It was suppose to bring them together, to let her know how much he truly wanted to understand her, why she fights so much and so hard for her beliefs. But they continued this way, silent, even as employees grew uncomfortable during group meetings.

At this point Taiwo just wanted to be comforted, wanted someone to wrap their arms around her and assure her that everything was going to be okay. As the meeting commenced, she traveled back to her office, gathered her things and exited the building. The only person she could think of was her mother. All she wanted to do was lay her head on her shoulder and cry out her frustration. 

Lately she'd been feeling sick and the headaches were getting more severe to the point her vision blurred. When waves of nausea hit, she remembered ginger tea always worked wonders and chased down an aspirin to knock out the pain swirling around in her head. Not long after Taiwo found herself parked in front of her mother's fabric store and exited the car. The door was propped open and as she approached, Taiwo knocked lightly and entered upon Anikka waving her to come inside.

"What brings you here Taiwo?" Anikka was rewrapping fabric on a bolt as she stole glances between her working hands and her daughter.

"I'm just tired." Anikka stopped what she was doing and pulled out a chair for Taiwo to rest in and parked herself on a stool, staring into her daughters face."

"You never get tired so there must be something critical going on. What's the problem?"

"I went home."

"To Benin?"

"Yes. In my own way, I pushed Connor into it. Everything was going fine until it wasn't."

"Wait a minute, who's Connor and why'd you go back to Benin without telling me?"

"It's not like you would have made the trip with me. And Connor is...we are... we're...I don't know. We have an intense relationship."

"I had no idea you were dating." Anikka chewed her on her bottom lip and looked back at Taiwo. "This Connor, the name doesn't sound anywhere near African."

"Mum, don't."

Anikka's eyes widened with confirmed suspicion. "Oh no, you've been sleeping with the devil! Why would you make a deal with the devil, chile?"

"Mum..." she could feel a headache starting to form at the nape of her neck. She didn't want to have this conversation right now.

"Taiwo, there are perfect good African men, Jamaican men right here in the city, you just have to look. Here, I've come across a few. I've told them all about you. I could introduce you them within two days but you have to sever all times with that devil."

"Mum!"

"What? I'm only trying to help. You're obviously having problems with that devil of yours, otherwise you wouldn't be here with your face in the floor."

"His name is Connor and he is no devil. We love each other, but things are complicated right now."

"Of course things would be. You can't trust those kinds people. What did you expect Taiwo?"

"For the record, Connor treats me well and it's evident he wants to marry me. He even wants children. I've already met his family, in Ireland. I thought if I came to you, you'd understand and listen. I expected you to care that I'm hurt, to at least comfort me!"

"How could you think I'd be okay with you dating a white man, huh? Don't you remember what they've done to our people? And now you're sleeping with one? That is a slap in the face Taiwo."

"I love Connor and I won't have you speaking of him in this manner. He is not the enemy. He's not my enemy."

"You're only fooling yourself if you think that man loves you. I raised you better than that."

"No! It was me who raised you. You left me with the responsibility of raising my brothers and sister. When dad left, you just stopped. You checked out on us and now you have the audacity to look down on my decisions? I didn't abandon you, you abandoned me and now I know why dad left. You refuse to bend. How can you be so inflexible in your thinking? Why do I have to do things your way?"

"If you didn't want to hear anything I had to say, you shouldn't have come."

"How could I have allowed myself to believe that you actually cared about me, my feelings, for once? I'm screwed up because of you. I don't know how not to be stubborn, or relinquish control to those who actually want me, good, bad or ugly. I swear I won't live the rest of my life like you have. I don't need you, so you just keep living the way you always have, unto yourself." Taiwo vaguely heard the words her mother shouted at her as she crossed the threshold out onto the sidewalk. She blindly found her car, ripping the door open and throwing herself behind the wheel. She didn't recollect jamming the key in the ignition, or the drive home, nor how she got into her house. She frantically paced back and forth between kicking her shoes off to either parts of the house. 

Tears streamed down her cheeks as frustration and the sense of betrayal obliterated her sanity. Guttural screams rang throughout her home. She kicked over and shattered her living room glass table and blindly moved into the kitchen yanking open cabinets and smashing every plate, saucer, and bowl her fingers touched. Not satisfied, she stalked to the rear of the house to her room toppling over a dresser and the drawers thumped to the floor. Papers, jewelry and clothes flew across the room until some of her anger and hurt was abated. Breathing heavily, strings of spit ran down her chin and dripped to the floor. Her face was slick with sweat and hair was damp tossed all over her head. 

Taiwo's hands remained clenched, nails slicing into her palms until droplets of blood flowed to the surface. She didn't care, nothing could hurt as worse as the life she's lived up until now. Suddenly, a sharp pain ripped across her lower abdomen and she faltered. Sliding down the wall, she breathed slowly until her legs were tucked under her chin. Rolling her head side-to-side, tears dropped and moistened her white button down. She wanted to rip her heart from its protective cage so she wouldn't feel anything ever again.

Taiwo's face twisted as pain shot through her skull temporarily blinding her. Sharp pain attacked her abdomen again as violent waves of nausea threatened to spew from her throat out onto her polished hardwood floor. Rolling on her side, she tucked her legs into her body and curled into the fetal position until the pain dulled. Pulling herself to her feet, doubled over, she caught herself along the wall and limped over to the bed and fell in.

She lied there, trembling, hoping that all this undue pain and sickness would pass. But it didn't. It'd gotten so bad she had to call for an ambulance. There she lied in bed until she heard sirens inching closer saving her from the disaster that is her life. Time felt as if it had slowed in the blink of an eye. No longer could she hear the sirens, yet the thump of her heart and the rush of blood between her ears ratcheted up in volumes. Her breathing became shallow but amplified somehow, her vision doubled and blurred and her skin was clammy. Taiwo had no idea what was going on but she thought that this was it for her, there was just no coming back and somehow she was fine with that. She'd finally get the rest she'd deserved. She was tired of fighting and if she was going to go like this, so be it. Before she could process another thought, her eyes closed and she let herself go.