painter (tronnor ; completed)

track 3 - falling short

june 5, 2012

diary,

today i turned 17. everyone made a big deal out of it. mom got me a cake and balloons and my friends came over. but it doesn't feel like my life anymore. it's like i'm watching from someone else's eyes. i don't know why. i just don't feel happy. that sounds dumb. i just... i don't get that bubbly feeling of joy anymore. i felt this way before i came out. but now, i have no reason to feel that way. my friends and family love me and i have a support from everyone. my life is great. i just don't feel. anything.

it's probably school. it's really depressing me lately. it's hard. it's so fucking hard and i hate it. i just want to travel and live and have fun. what does that have to do with calculus? people are okay, but some of them are annoying. i've learned to tune them out. i've kind of tuned everything out.

troye

*

6/5/12

today was a bad day. which means i've had 3 bad days this week. it's tuesday.

i wrote a poem and painted it on a picture. it said:

'i'm contemplating existence;

maybe because i'm done existing'

really shitty. everything i do is shitty.

no one can know. no one can see the paintings i burn.

or the secret love letters i write. i wonder if i'll ever send them to someone. probably not since i don't even believe in love. it's far too romanticized when truly it's just our brain creating human-smart-word waves of 'love' which humans have probably picked up from needing to mate when the population was growing from nearly nothing and everyone was expected to have 10 kids.

but who gives a shit about my opinion?

-c

*

june 5th, 2013

dear diary,

i'm not going to college. i mentally broke at school this year. but it's really sad. no one wanted to celebrate my birthday. i think they forgot. it's okay. i'm only 18.

besides i don't deserve to be celebrated.

troye

*

6/5/13

to someone i will love one day:

something is missing from my life

i put it in a chest of cracked glass mirrors and papers of browning love letters and jars of tears from my eyes and i locked it and i locked me inside

i try to find what i put away

but i realize

it was never there

i just locked up the feeling

of loving someone in each season

his hair fell in his eyes like the snow and he melted my heart like spring melts that snow away and he warmed me up like summer and made me bright as the sun and i feel for him like autumn leaves

but then i thought of a boy turning cold and i buried him in snow

now it is becoming summer and i am still cold

i was the boy that turned cold

and they ask why i am drawing snow in june and i reply, "i want to find a lover in summer with blue eyes that give me shivers"

and they ask, "why blue?"

and i try to remember why

then i remember: the ink was blue in the first love letter i wrote to you

i'll send it when i do unlock you

-c.f.

*

june 5, 2014

diary,

la is very big, but i'm glad i moved here. i fit here. i needed a fresh start. i went out with friends today. i met a boy. he was really nice. he gave me his number. maybe i'll text him.

i went to the art museum yesterday. there was a painting called wings and i looked at it for fifteen minutes. it was a watercolour of a girl crying, but she was smiling. tall figures of people stood around her. i saw myself in the girl. whoever painted that must truly have a grip on dep- sadness.

but i am 19 and life is short. can i start living it?

troye

*

6/5/14

i felt oddly happy today... i painted a pastel pink painting. i never do that. i smeared yellow on it too. if i was happy, my favorite colour would be yellow.

'wings' is at an exhibit now, which makes me feel proud. am i allowed to feel proud?

it doesn't matter though... tomorrow i'll be sad.

-c

*

june 5, 2015

diary,

we went to the bar for my birthday.

we got drunk.

he hit me.

troye

*

6/5/15

i want to die.

-c