therefore.

dreary

    
     this is more of a therapy method for me, suggested by my therapist - pouring my heart and mind out onto paper. Perhaps to you, these will only be words and phrases you will not comprehend, but this is how I have come to deal with myself when all the lights are out and faded.

May 4th, 2016

I rose this morning to a dreary, and dark sky. The day poured by slowly, but evenly. It really does help that my best friend is on my side. He always makes me smile without meaning to, and he understands what's going on in my head. We're just two socially awkward, sensitive, outcasts - who really do have a love for all people.

Recently, however, I've been avoiding many people I was once close with. Not that I wouldn't love to converse with them and partake in their typical school life, but that as I - a constant screw up - is afraid to hurt anyone. But suddenly, it came to me that when I make eye contact, or even speak to my faded friends, they look at me with hurt and betrayal in their eyes. What have I done?

I have a difficulty making friends, and now those who I've became close with are only fading away, which is most assuredly, caused by my own hand. It's only been two months at this particular school, and I'm already causing pain in people. I know for certain that when school ends at the end of May, I will never step foot in this school ever again.

It's quite complicated, you see. I fit in - no where. Over the course of the past two years I have been to a total of five different schools. I have left behind numerous amazing people, but I always know - it's for the best. One of these days, I'm sure of it, I will wake up and smile, knowing I'm finally at the right place. It will get better, I just know it - it has to.

There will be nights, quite like tonight, where I listen to music I once loved. Now, I can't even listen to music anymore without having memories of him. We would talk every single night, and I'd text him as I'd embrace this music. Every song now is tied to a memory of him in some way, shape or form. He was a moment of bliss in my life - a rushed heaven on this earth. I miss him often, but there's no way he would or could ever miss me, and I guess that's that.

My best friend often helps me through these flashbacks without even realizing. His corny jokes, comforting words, and his random late night thoughts. He assures me that I am wanted, I am needed, and that there is no way he could ever get sick of me.

Though, I used to hear that all the time from him.

I don't know how I feel about life anymore. After him, I'd stay up late crying and wondering why I was here. But, this isn't just about my heartbreak over a boy who is irrelevant now - this is about how I constantly screw up, which costs others their own happiness.

Truth is, I'm probably better off dead.