Eclipse of Hearts ✔

Chapter 54. [Alyssae]

Alyssae touched her swollen lip. Her head pounded. Over and over again she saw the dark look in Thorin's eyes. It was over.
It had been over for a very long time, but now it dawned on her. He had beaten her and he hadn't stopped, no matter how hard she begged. It had only made him more furious. Somehow she had expected she could penetrate his mind - she had even tried to kiss him, but he had hit her so hard she had lost a tooth. There was no love left in him. Not for her and not for their daughter. Maybe it was only better when Niamh never saw what her father had became. Maybe be she was better off without her parents at all, for Alyssae didn't feel like she deserved a child and neither did Thorin.
The door opened and Eldinòr observed her from the doorway. "Why did you free him?"
She was aware of the distance he took, while she really longed for a calming arm around her. He was angry. It was her own fault that she was battered. 
"He asked me to."
"And you just gave in?"
Alyssae sighed. What did he know? They hadn't made chit-chat. She had told him very important news and she understood he didn't want to receive that as a bounded prisoner. He had controlled himself and for a moment it had been like the old days. Until he suddenly had screamed that she had to leave. Should she have listened to him? He would have hurt himself, she was sure about that. 
"It was stupid."
"Indeed."
Alyssae looked agitated at him. "Stop being such a know-it-all."
"I don't want you to free my prisoners."
"Your prisoner?" she burst out. 
"My ship, my rules, dear princess. From now on I am the one who decides when someone will walk around freely again."
"Just bring him back," she mumbled. "This is going nowhere."
"Because he's not running into your arms? Be honest, girl, did you really expect something else?"
"I hadn't expect that he would hurt me."
Although that was stupid, for he had tried to kill her four times now.
She knew the past years had transformed the memories. The Thorin that lived in her dreams was probably more peaceful than he ever had been.
"I just don't know what to do anymore," she sighed, staring at her hands. How had she dealt with his behavior in the past? It made her feel tired that she wasn't safe around him. 
Footsteps echoed over the wooden planks. Uncertain she looked up to him. 
"Wait, Alyssae. He will not change within a day." Eldinòr sat next to her. "But we have to leave. The dwarfs will go looking for him."
Alyssae thought about his words. "But what about Erebor?"
Eldinòr shrugged. "They can take care of themselves. When he returns, he can take back his throne. I don't believe someone will exploit his people just as much as Thorin did."
Alyssae bit on her lip. She felt ashamed for the feelings she had for a man who behaved just as horrible as the man she hated the most.
"Can't Kili go back? He is the successor to the throne."
"So that he ends up in the dungeons, accused of treason?" Eldinòr sneered. "He better stays away."
Alyssae felt not right about it. Whoever had burnt her letters for whatever reason: he had a free hand now.

Just before dinner time she decided to go down again, despite Eldinòr's advice to stay away from him. She couldn't help it, she didn't want him to spend all those days on his own. 
Thorin turned his face away as soon as he saw her. He clearly was still angry. 
She walked to him, but she did not know what to say. In the end she stood still a few meters away from him. She leaned against one of the carriers. 
"You like to see me bound?"
"I rather see you in this way than not at all."
Thorin sighed. "How long is this gonna take?"
She shrugged. "As long as is required."
"I'd just as soon die."
Alyssae said nothing, but watched his tired face. The Thorin she had known, had been a go-getter. The desire to die had never revealed itself, not even when he had murdered Fíli. 
"Niamh needs her father."
"Just tell her that red head of yours is her father."
Alyssae raised her eyebrows. "You sound jealous."
"Of course I am jealous," Thorin sniffed. "He kan walked around freely without the urgency to destroy the world."
"He's not as great as you think."
Thorin rolled his eyes. "I might be insane, but I'm not blind. I see how you look at him. The way you looked at me once."
"I still do," Alyssae said softly. 
Thorin shook his head. "No. You think I'm pathetic."
"I still love you."
He laughed. The glance in his eyes was cynical. "If that was really true, you would have left when I asked you to."
Alyssae looked at him in confusion. "I didn't want you to hurt yourself."
Thorin sniffed once again. "As if that would really matter." His eyes burnt with restrained anger. "But I suppose you like to see me withering by guilt. We both knew I was going to hurt you and still you stayed."