Sincerely, Aurora [completed]

~Eighteen~

Jude Christopher Brahm,

Today when I got here, your dad was here. He was talking to you, and he was crying.

It made me cry.

What did he say to you, love?

When he noticed I was here, he wiped his eyes and gave me a hug. He thanked me for sticking with you.

And he left.

But Jude, I don't understand what else I would have done. Stick with you? That's just the way it is, the way it should be.

Because you might be asleep, but you're still my husband.

I still love you.

Anyway, I just thought I would tell you.

~ ~ ~

I remember the day you let me in.

Or actually, it was night. Late.

You thought I was asleep, but I knew that you weren't. You lay so perfectly still, but I could hear the inconsistencies in your breathing pattern, the speeding up and slowing down of your heartbeat.

You were right beside me, but you felt miles away.

I stretched out my hand and touched your shoulder gently.

The silence shattered when you inhaled sharply, and froze.

"Jude?" I whispered.

"I thought you were asleep." There was a thickness in your voice, and it sounded like dammed-up tears.

"No," I murmured, sitting up. "Why are you still awake?"

You didn't move to face me. "I couldn't sleep."

I blinked, taking a deep breath. Could I get you to talk about what was hurting you? Could I get you to open up?

This was new territory. We never used to hide our feelings from each other. "Can you talk about it?"

You stilled. "I don't know."

I touched you, rubbing gently at your shoulder. "I'll be strong for you, now. You shouldn't hold back; I won't melt if you cry on me."

"I don't know how to say any of it."

The depth of feeling in your voice set my heart to aching. "I'm here to listen. Even if it isn't an eloquent speech, speak if it helps you."

When you didn't reply, I scooted closer and hugged you tightly from behind. 

"Please, love," I whispered. "Let out whatever is tormenting you."

In the first few moments after that, you said nothing, and I was sure you had clammed back up. But then, then, you shuddered. And you spoke.

"I don't know how to heal." Your voice shook. "I was almost a daddy, and I felt our little girl when she was still inside of you, and all of these things... but it seems that it's over. And we're supposed to forget."

"We're not meant to forget," I murmured. "And you are a daddy, Jude."

"But all of these things, and I don't know how to say it..." Your voice didn't just break, it shattered. Its pieces fell like tears.

I tucked my face into your back and held you tightly. "Sometimes feelings can't be explained, and pain doesn't need more names. It's only felt, but I am here to help you."

You breathed out, softly, shakily. 

I pressed a soft kiss to your shoulder. "I'm only a pillow away, even if I'm asleep. Just wake me up."

"Alright," you whispered.

"And," I added, " I know how you feel. I'm just starting to live with it."

"It eases?"

I nodded slightly. "It eases. And I'm here to hold you together."

You shifted, and I let you go.

You rolled over and pulled me into your chest. "I'm sorry I shut you out, I'm sorry."

"You're not sorry," I murmured, wrapping my arms around you in return. "You're amazing. Much more than only sorry."

Your face was tucked into the crook of my neck, and your damp eyelashes were tickling me. "I couldn't live without you."

"You don't ever have to," I whispered, combing my fingers through your hair. "Just stick with me, and you can keep me for forever."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

You smiled slightly against my neck, sighing. "I'm so lucky."

"Come on," I teased, twisting a lock of your hair around my finger. "You're more than lucky, too. Sorry, lucky. All of these labels. What are you doing, Jude?"

"Being a fool," you whispered. 

"More than a fool," I whispered, holding you away from me so I could look at you.

You searched my eyes for a moment, expression vulnerable. There were so many precious things that I loved about your sweet face, and I took a moment to consider them.

I traced over your eyebrows with my thumb, smoothed back a lock of rogue hair. I memorized the angles of your brow and your jaw, the curl of your lip.

I smiled at you, and guided your mouth to mine.

"I love you," I whispered, tangling one of my legs with yours. "I love you."

You tucked one arm around me and kissed me stronger. "I... love you... too," you murmured between kisses.

I laughed softly when you moved down to my neck and your eyelashes tickled me.

Your kisses gave me goosebumps.

I turned my head to kiss your neck in return, and as soon as I began, you froze. I paused. "You okay?"

You nodded, and said a little breathlessly, "I'm fine... that's just... that feels amazing."

I chuckled, and continued.

Your breath was catching, your hands were grasping, your voice was cracking.

You took my face between your warm hands and kissed me. 

It was all so fast, but it was full of relief, like the gust of wind that follows a racecar on a hot day. I knew deep down that it was too fast to be good, that your wounds were too raw, that my heart was too soft.

But I guess the night air caught hold of my common sense, because no one could have made me care.

No one could have made me care except for you. But I suppose, you were the one who made me care about most things.

I fingered the hem of your t-shirt, but you caught my hand.

"Not tonight," you said softly, pressing a kiss to my palm. 

I smiled. "Why?"

"Because we're healing."

"We're married," I said, chuckling.

"Sometimes," you said, tone slightly wry, "even married people should take it slow."

~ ~ ~

And you were right.

You beautiful soul, you were right.

I love you to Polaris and back.

That's a lot, you know. And if you don't know, wake up so I can show you.

Your heart can hear me, I know. So please, please listen to your heart.

You're going to be okay.

Please be okay.

Sincerely,

Aurora