Torn

Chapter 16

We totally get your dilemma girl, we totally get you.

(o)

From: Harry

I saw the article, love. What happened? What did he do?

From: Harry

Selena I swear to God if he hurt you...

From: Harry

Mia please, I can understand if you're mad at me. I just need to know you're alright.

I don't even know if confusion is still strong enough of a word to encompass my emotions that have gone amok. But I know I don't have anyone else to blame but myself. Two years I spent running and hiding, it was futile I know but it was all I could do to make us forget – as I kept on reasoning with myself.

But all of those have been erased the moment I set foot in LA again. I could say I never wanted any of this to happen. I could say I never really wanted to see him again. I could say I want him to drop his chase. I could even have these replaying in my head over and over again, just to satisfy my own conscience.

But now I know it's just me who have been and will continue to eat my own lies.

I could even recall my very first reaction the moment I saw the familiar tatted arm slung across my naked waist. I could disguise it as repulse, hate or disgust even, but it was neither of those. There was shock, of course but predominantly, I can wholeheartedly say that I have never felt such comforts of home from the arms of a man before. But that was all until I remembered my best friend who he broke up with not even 24 hours ago. Needless to say that was also the moment I had been quick to say and act otherwise, the moment my cowardice had become the primary regulator for my actions.

My feelings for Harry had always been within the realms of uncharted territories, not because I am unaware of it but because I am afraid to discover its extent – if it's enough to make me completely turn my back on almost a decade of friendship. Yes, I am aware of its existence and I guess there is no running from it anymore as I have been forced to acknowledge it in the most ironic way possible.

I wanted to start anew with Justin, telling myself that the loss of our relationship was the reason for my fixation with Harry, and to revive it would cease all my woes. But the flashing of his green eyes should have served as a premonition already, yet I ignored it in all my stubbornness. Instead I let it prolong and have Justin take me up to his hotel room and kiss me. It would have even gotten worse than already is, but when I pulled away once again, it was Harry's features that hovered over mine and I know, this time, there was no more escaping all my refutes .

I remember pushing a confused Justin away as I rushed to put on my shed clothes which were thankfully just my blouse and skirt. I even heard my name in his frantic shouts, but I ignored it as I fled in a dazed haste. I couldn't even blame the media anymore with their insinuations of my promiscuity, I probably embody it now.

But despite all of these, I couldn't find it in me to care, save for one – Harry. I bit my lip as I read his texts again, which to be quite honest, my eyes never left in the first place.

I can never fathom his mysterious ability to soothe me even if I am yet to hear his voice. But even if his sweet words placate me, his messages still remain unrequited as they remind me that I am just too far gone in this cycle that I established – pushing him away, only to pull him back harder – that I am left unawares on reaching out to him, since sorry seems too scant of a word when it comes to me and him now.

I am distracted when a gentle clinking sound meets my ears and it is only then that I notice my mom joining me in our balcony, sitting down in our swing chair while placing two steaming mugs of tea on the table in front of us. Normally, I am a fan of the drink. But right now, in the middle of a summer afternoon in California, I can't help but to doubt its suitability, though when the unmistakable scent of chamomile wafts through my nose, I am fairly certain of my mother's intentions.