Helpline: An Agony Aunt Advice Book

Entry 14: Third wheel

Anonymous reader...

So my best friend (or whom I consider my best friend in the whole world) just got a girlfriend. I always thought of how cute it would be if she got a girlfriend and wanted her to get with someone, but now that it's happened, I'm pissed. Like, really, really pissed, and I don't know why.

She's dating this girl that I kind of know, and she's really nice and really funny, and she's great! But for some reason I'm still pissed off about the whole thing. I know that I'm not jealous in a romantic sense, as the girl in question is my best friend, but I after thinking about it, I realised just how much I despise the idea of being a third wheel and having my home away from home taken away from me.

I love my best friend to pieces, and I like and approve of her girlfriend, but I'm stuck as to how to deal with this. I don't want to lose my best friend.

A tricky situation... this is definitely a case that many can relate to. Even myself (though very briefly). But I also think that yours is different in the sense that you actually approve the idea of them as a couple.

Since you obviously do not want to lose your friend, I would not advise for you to speak to them about this in front of the partner. This may cause them to get even more protective to prove a point to their girlfriend, and most likely unfriend you in the process. But it is important that you do confront them.

This may be difficult to go through with, but it'll be worth it. A best friend really cares about your feelings and to be able to do this, they need to first be made aware of them. Silently seething in the corner never does anything in any scenario. You need to find time where you can privately talk to them with no distractions. It's important that you confess all in one go or the tone will be disrupted, and she can then spend that time contemplating her reply. You need an immediate and truthful response from her.

Make sure she understands that you have no objections to them as a couple, but it's the actual witnessing of it that makes you feel this way. Insist that there is no hard feelings towards the girlfriend as a person, it's just the way she's disrupting this section of your life unknowingly. Remember that the friend will be protective and either try to defend her girlfriend or deny everything. Try not to push them into anger.

Overall, be truthful. You have this (presumingly) one chance to get on the same page so you need to do it right. Ask for her to simply keep in mind how you are feeling next time she drags along her girlfriend to your day out or whatever. Ask for some time where you two can simply spend it together, alone. Be apologetic, because you will be asking for a lot in their eyes. I can't put it any blunter than be emotionally irresistible, i.e. act in a way that she can't deny you. It may seem cruel, but emphasise your uncomfortable state around them, make her feel guilty. The more (believable) dramatic you are, the bigger the impact. It sounds crude, I know.

It may happen that if she accepts your confession, you may be able to continue it to the girlfriend in question. Obviously this is much less reliable than the best friend since she isn't as close to you, but perhaps once she sees how much it means to you/her girlfriend, she'll respond similarly to your best friend. This is just a suggestion that you should only take if you feel comfortable with the girlfriend knowing, of course. Don't do it if you know she'll get bitchy about it.

Three final statements to sum this reply up: find somewhere isolated, clarify the source of the problem, and be apologetic.

From ciaramaeflower

Xxx