Helpline: An Agony Aunt Advice Book

Entry 9: Dealing with violent/angry friends

Anonymous reader...

Hey, my friend can be violent sometimes, I don't know why but me other friends are not comfortable with it. She is also really rude to us but the thing is she always apologises after, we don't know what to do. She doesn't abuse us but sometimes it hurts, what can we do? Could she be ill?

This is probably the second most serious problem I have been asked advice on, so like I have said before, please remember I have no idea what I am doing. I am just an internet-addicted teenage girl from South England. Please don't expect the best answers because I know I can't give them to you. Also, according to the Myers Briggs personality test, I am an INTP. We are supposed to be confused by emotions and lack compassion. That explains why I sometimes forget that there's a thing called emotions...

Anyway, I am going to tackle your questions in the most empathetic way my very narrow minded mind can manage!

I am no expert in human behaviours however I am pretty sure your friend needs help. I'm not trying to be rude but from what I can tell, she needs a psychologist. I did a quick Google search and it came up with a list of different "anger types"...

·Chronic anger, which is prolonged, can impact the immune system and be the cause of other mental disorders
·Passive anger, which doesn't always come across as anger and can be difficult to identify
·Overwhelmed anger, which is caused by life demands that are too much for an individual to cope with
·Self-inflicted anger, which is directed toward the self and may be caused by feelings of guilt
·Judgmental anger, which is directed toward others and may come with feelings of resentment
·Volatile anger, which involves sometimes-spontaneous bouts of excessive or violent anger
(Literally copy and pasted)

Each of these different types should be retaed in different ways in order to make any progress. It is important that you follow the correct one or it may not make any difference or even worsen the situation.

If she can he categorized as a Chronic angry then it may lead onto more serious issues. I'd advise seeking out therapy attention or at least speaking to someone with actual knowledge on the subject, and do it fast. One of the mental disorders it can lead to is depression. It will leave your friend in a never-ending circle of depression and anger, round and round forever in short bursts, unless you convince her to get counselling sooner rather than later.

Passive anger is much harder to detect and sometimes even the angry person doesn't know they are angry. They just pass it off as having a hard day and that it's nothing. The main forms of passive anger are through sarcasm and being rude, so I am largely sure your friend is in this section. How to react to this is by staying away. They have a deep-rooted encryption deep in their brain as to why they are like this and it isn't going to go anywhere soon. According to my research, passive angers will deny everything when you confront them of being angry. It may cause a dispute between the two of you so the best bet would be to keep a distance and call a professional. Only they can get to the bottom of their anger.

Overwhelmed angers are different for the first two- they won't necessarily need a therapist straight away. I envision that just relieving them of some minor stresses will widely help them. Taking off a bit of weight from their shoulders will allow them to relax and unwind the anger they feel. It'd help you too because they wouldn't be violent anymore.

Self-inflicted anger is where you blame yourself for all the wrongs in your life. Do you know if your friend is guilty in anyway, did she mess something up ages ago but she still hasn't let it go? My best advice for this type of anger would be to compliment her. To make her feel confident and worthwhile again should bring a stop to the violence.

On the other end of the scale is judgemental anger. A complete opposite, they focus their hatred and anger on other people. I think that they don't mean a large amount of things they say because they can be irritated easily. All I'm going to say is don't take any insults to heart, but if they step over a line you have every right to stop conversing with them. You have standards you need to enforce or they'll become irrelevant.

Volatile angry people are the most surprising. They are spontaneous in their violence and can be triggered at any time. It is difficult to help someone as unpredictable as this but perhaps calming them pre-explosion may help. Detonate the bomb before it blows rather than trying to contain it when it does the aftermath isn't to bright either.

I know you didn't necessarily say your friend was angry but that vibe just comes from your description. Bipolar also sprang to mind when I read it but I can not reinforce why I think that. A common solution that'd work with most of these is therapy. A psychiatrist would do wonders regardless of the anger type, it's just the convincing to go that's the difficult bit.

From ciaramaeflower

xxx