Race

Chapter 7

You know what is the worst feeling in the world?

When you love someone so much and they hurt you without changing your feelings. They knock you down with words, with actions, which should make you hate them but still you can't stop loving them. It's the worst feeling because you start to feel worthless and start to believe whatever they say and you still depend on them. You love them so much that you can't leave them because you feel like you won't survive without them and since you're loving them so much you won't admit that it's their fault and that what they say isn't true. So you start blaming yourself, you start to tell yourself that you deserve how they treat you. And then it's too late for you. You're trapped in a cage, holding you back. You're feelings take over your whole life, surpressing this little voice - your mind and brain - that tells you that this is wrong, oh so wrong. Because we all know from experience that heart and feelings are stronger than mind and common sense.

It's hard to get out of a situation like that once.

It's impossible to do it twice.

That's what I was scared of ever since I had met Harry.

The person that you give so much love to must be aware of the power they have over you, but treasure your love and do the exact opposite of crushing you: they should inspire you, make you feel better and lift you up instead of crushing you. And if they just so happen to return this love, you are equal lovers and you need to take as much care of their heart and well-being, as you would want someone else to do for you. If this is the case and you love someone so much and find love like that, you probably have found your soulmate. Yes, I believe in soulmates. It gives me a reason to go on whatever happens.

The biggest problem in finding someone like that is that, in the beginning, when you start to realise your feelings, you don't know if they will lift you or crush you once you decide to give them this unconditional love. People can turn out the opposite of whom you believe them to be, they can be unpredicatble. It could turn out both ways.

And that's why I've been trying to tell myself I didn't find Harry attractive. There was something between us that I've never felt before. It was dangerous. Especially because I had deemed him to belong to the sort of guy that couldn't love anybody, especially not unconditionally, which automatically made him to somebody that would crush a person if they loved him.

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"We can sit down here," Jake said, pointing at a bench in the park.

We sat down, the Starbucks coffees in our hands. It was getting warmer every day, however, still not warm enough to wear anything less than a hoodie, scarf and jeans.

"So do you have a boyfriend? I can't believe we've know eachother for like a month now and I don't even know if you're single or not," he asked, smiling as always. He wore a beige chino and a big knitted sweater. This was probably the first time I saw him wear something different than the usual plaid shirts.

"Nope, single and ready to mingle," I said, playfully winking at him. "What about you?"

"Same," he answered, his eyes leaving me as he took a sip of his coffee.

"What about Harry? Does he have a special girl in his life?" The question just left my lips. I had not been able to shake off the thought of that girl Lisa calling Harry while he had been at my place the previous week. I mentally facepalmed due to the directness of my question. Jake didn't seem to find it strange though.

"Harry and a relationship?" He laughed. "For that he'd need to be in love with someone. In all the years I've known him he hasn't been in love once. I don't even think he knows what love feels like. I've been in love a few times but it was always just like a crush and ended after a while. What about you?" He looked at me and I did my best to seem normal.