Reflection

4/10/16

Dear Marienne,

Ever since you passed away, our house has been so empty. There is literally no cure to the loneliness. I miss those days when I would go for cheer tryouts every year, and you would cheer me on. I miss that one time when I went to try out for frosh cheer with you, and how you cheered me on. Of course, I loathed the part when you had a sudden heart attack and had to go to the E.R. I was so relieved when you recovered! But then, that same night, it happened. We still can't get over the shock. But it just... happened. The doctors said you had another heart attack, which is very unusual to have within 24 hours of the first one. However, this was a guess by the doctor. Even he didn't know what happened exactly. There was an autopsy performed, but the reports somehow never made it through and got lost. To this day, we don't exactly know what killed you. I miss you so much, Marienne. You weren't here the day we found out who made the team. I remember you couldn't wait to find out. Well, let me tell you: I made it. You must be so proud. I've decided that I'll write in my diary to you, and speak as if I'm speaking to you in real life.

Tomorrow is the first day Dylan and I'll be going to school after your death. I remember how he always used to say that he hated being in the middle, and that he wished that he was the oldest. He got his wish, but he's definitely regretting it. He's changed drastically. He's not the same Dylan you saw 2 weeks ago. It's kind of like he's taking over the household. All of the chores you used to do, he's helping mom out with. All of the sports you used to play with Dad, he's doing. It's not really like he's trying to take your place; he actually means quite well. He is, in fact, trying to fill in the empty void which is our house. Dylan tries to include me in activities and things he does, and tries to spend as much time with me as possible. It's like he's afraid of losing me too. I remember how you two were so close; the both of you would always create clubs, and Dylan wouldn't want me in them. But you let me in. You understood. Dylan went from being that spoiled arrogant brother to the best brother I've ever known. I wish you were here to see it. He's gone from the hand used to stop me, to the shoulder I need to cry on. Of course, I haven't cried in front of him yet. I won't. Nor will I ever. It's not just embarrassing, but it also kind of brings his spirit down. When Mom was crying her heart out a couple of days after the incident, Dylan sort of broke down on the inside; I could feel it.

Yesterday we cleaned your room. Not cleaned out, but cleaned. There was not much to do except your bed. I remember how you loved keeping yourself and your space organized, but hated doing your bed. I found your diary, but I've vowed not to ever read it. It was your personal space, and I respect that. A couple of your friends also called. They feigned the emotion of feeling sorrow and were "mourning" the loss of their friend. However, I knew very well that they were acting; when they left, they had smiles from ear to ear and were laughing at our grief. It's sad to think that you trusted them and thought of them as friends. The only genuine mourning came from Rebecca, your best friend. She asked if she could go to your room one last time, to breathe in the place where you were last at home. She's a very nice girl.

Aunt Marie came over two days ago. Yes, all the way from California. The snow sort of freaked her out. But that's how it is here in Minnesota. She was sad to see her favorite niece go, but she mainly came to cheer us up. I guess Mom must have told her how depressed Dylan and I were. As you know, Aunt Marie is the sort of jokester in the family. Even at the death of a loved one, she knows how to lighten the mood. The first sentence she said when she came over- and you would've gone crazy -was: "Marie 'Aunt'oinette is here!" I remember how much you adored our French roots. And a pun in there?! You would've jumped up and down! If you were here, she would've brought your beloved cake as well.

Then, she asked about the seasons. "Every single time the plane drops me over here, it's either all of that building stuff or it's snowing. Haven't you all ever heard of a little thing called the seasons?"

Of course, I had to reply with, "Here in Minnesota, we only have two seasons: Winter season, and construction season." I couldn't resist.

I could almost hear Dylan about to yell at me for being a childish know-it-all, but he simply let out a slight chuckle. Seriously, that boy has changed. Maybe he's actually turning into a good brother. You know what? I reckon he is. Come to think of it, he's actually acting like the type of brother you always described to me; the older brother you wished you had. But now, I have him. I'll treat him dearly, and hope he'll stay that way. I'm sure you're proud!

Missing you,
Armelle xo

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