My Mello, My Matt, but Where's My Heart?

--chapter 44--

“Oh. Yeah, I remember.”

“You never answered my question.”

“Mello, is been over five years.”

“And?”

“Some questions aren’t meant to be answered.” She avoided my look.

“Or you’re just afraid to say you love me again.”

“Mello, quit.”

I pursed my lips.

We were silent.

She suddenly stood up after another minute and walked off.

~

The house was silent when I returned. Bethany had already retired to bed, and I was left alone. I wondered about Bellatrixx’s reaction today . . . sure, she was widowed now, but that didn’t mean it was the end of her life.

How much more were we going to piss each other off?

The next morning Bellatrixx visited early. She looked depressed. She hardly glanced at me. She explained to me about her plans for Rouge.

“I’m leaving.” She simply stated. “I’m going to look for Rouge relentlessly this time. I'm tired of waiting on sources to come give me info on any sort of whereabouts.”

“Trixx . . .” I could hardly believe it. I couldn’t let her leave! “You can’t.”

“Mello,” she said, tiredly. “You don’t need me now. You have Bethany to look after you.”

She gathered a few miscellaneous objects from around the room.

I stepped in front of her, gently placing my hand on her shoulder.

She only gave me a tired look. “Bethany is out, by the way. She’ll be back in an hour.”

“When are you leaving?”

She shrugged. “Soon.”

“Bellatrixx,” I whispered. “Please stay. Just for another week.”

She shook her head and began to say something but I didn’t let her finish.

“You’ve hardly been here! Maybe once or twice a week. It’d be nice to have you around consecutively.”

She ignored me.

“Bellsy.”

Still, silence.

“Trixxy!”

Nothing.

Goddamnit! Why wouldn’t she ever listen to me?!

“Good-bye, Mihael.” She pecked my cheek.

“That’s it?!” I asked. “You’re just going to leave, without any hesitance or sadness?”

She looked over her shoulder at me, innocently. “You did.”

I only stared at her.

“Why are you staying away? Why save me if you’re not going to ever see me?”

“Weren’t you just complaining that you wanted to die?” she turned to face me.

“Yeah that was before I realized that I was still in-“ I stopped dead. I hoped she wouldn’t figure out what I had almost said. She raised an eyebrow.

She shook her head in disbelief.

“I can’t believe you.” She said, nostalgic.

Shit.

She made a small noise then turned. She was headed out the door.

“I guess I'm chasing after nothing, aren’t I?” I put my hands in my pocket.

She hesitated, then turned back around.

She shook her head and shrugged. She was obviously agitated. “I don’t know, Mihael. What the fuck do you want? You push me away, then pull me back in and push me away again! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Matt just fucking died, and I'm a widow with a lost child. Kira probably has her and I have no fucking clue of who’s taken her. It’s obviously another Treashierian or else I would’ve found her by now. You fight me and bite me about saving you from death, when it could have killed maybe us both.”

She stepped closer to me as she spoke.

“Then I bring you here to safety, because even the most fragile piece of glass can kill you right now, do you understand that? No of course not, cause your head is still stuck in the unrealistic world where you’re so indecisive about every little detail, that I’m the only thing you have left. There for, you are constantly consumed with the thoughts of loving me.”

She poked my chest with her finger. I was stunned.

“I just don’t understand why you won’t get over it!”

“Because I never have!” I wanted to scream. “I never will!”

“And why not?” she asked.

“Why can’t you understand that I fucking love you?!”

“Love me!” She raised her voice. “Love me?! Mello you’re psychotic! You’re so paranoid and miserable!”

“That answers nothing!”

She blinked, holding her eyes closed for a few seconds. What was I doing? How could I possibly hurt her again?

“Bellatrixx,” I said softly. “I think you’re in denial because of how much I’ve hurt you.”

“No, Mello, I got married.” She flashed the ring to me.

I clenched my jaw. “You’re no longer married, Bellatrixx. You never would have if I hadn’t-“

“Oh, no,” she interrupted. “Don’t bring up that shit with me.”

“You think I should’ve stopped loving you?” I asked.

“Duh!”  I could see pain in her eyes. She was lying.

“Why?”

She didn’t have an answer for that one. I knew it. She shook her head and walked out the door, away from me.

I watched her leave. She would be back.