The Diary Of A Closet Bisexual

I Don't Even Know If This Makes Sense

Some people say that they've known they were gay, lesbian, or bisexual since they were young, like 10.

Not to offend any of you out there who can relate to the above statement, but I don't really think sexuality can be an issue when you're that young.

That's the age of innocence, when nothing matters, except making crap out of playdoh and napping. 

Thinking back to a time when I was 7, sometimes I doubt my logic. Maybe you can tell at such an early age? Ok, I'm going to stop arguing with myself, and get on with the story.

Her name was Maddy. We were both 7 at the time. My babysitter who was also her babysitter, introduced us. We became good friends really quickly, but then again it's easy to be anyone's friend when you're young.

So one day, she invited me to come to this event, which I can't quite remember. All I know is, I did a lot of dancing, and even did a cute little skit with my babysister in which I had to wear a pumpkin mask. Oh yeah...so cute.

Anyways, at the end of the night, something happened that I will never forget. Before I left, Maddy came up to me, and kissed me on the cheek. It was totally innocent, we were good friends. But the way I felt, well, at the time I thought it was normal. Now I realize it was more like a sign of what I'd discover in the future.

So yeah, back to how I felt. My stomach seriously did flip flops. I probably blushed too. And to top it off, I ended up giving her that stupid pumpkin mask as like a "thank you" gift. 

Ok, so fast forward to middle school. I know this is going to sound weird, but I really don't remember much of struggling with my sexuality during this time. I mean I know I did, but I can't remember any specific events. Probably because none of them were important.

Alright, now we've reached the high school years. Nothing too serious freshman and sophomore year. I was pretty boy crazy (and still am), but I did think girls were attractive. I thought it was normal though, I mean my friends and I were always calling each other "gorgeous" or "hot." 

Besides that, and finding a ton of female celebrities hot, everything seemed normal to me. And then junior year came along.

Her name was Kelly. She was a cute brunette girl who I became friends with during track. Besides being one of the sweetest girls I had ever met, she was insanely gorgeous. We became really good friends really fast, and things were moving along fine, until this one day in class. She had put some purel on her hands, and then came over to talk to me.

"Ahh I put to much on, here take some!" she said, grabbing my hands and rubbing them with purel.

The moment her hands touched mine, something happened, something I didn't understand at the time, and didn't want to understand. And for all you sickos reading this, NO I DID NOT GET HORNY OR WET OR WHAT EVER YOUR DIRTY MINDS WERE THINKING! I got butterflies in my stomach, and my heart began to race faster. 

After that day, things kind of changed between Kelly and I. I mean, not for her, for me. Now, every time she came up to me and talked to me, I couldn't help but be a little nervous. I can't even remember how many times i said something dumb, or just made myself look stupid. But we were friends, so she just laughed, while I cringed on the inside.

Oh my gosh, and when she said "hey you" to me, I swear, my heart skipped a beat.

So anyways, these are two of the main events in my life that stick out in my head at the moment. There are countless other smaller ones, but these two are probably the biggest.