All in Time

Chapter 18

Everything around Karkat had seemed weird since I looked in his notebook. I watched his every jerky movement. I was afraid he would snap, but I felt guilty for thinking that.

I wanted to ask him, but I didn't. I was sort of scared that he would freak out about me looking in it and never trust me again. He could possibly even break up with me.

Karkat settled his hands on the edge of the countertop he was standing at and leaned on them.

"Dave, you've been watching me all week, what do you need?" He asked. I twiddled my thumbs before answering. Spill it now, Dave. Be honest.

"I've just been worried about you," I said. Close enough.

"Uh-huh. And why are you suddenly more worried about me than usual?" Karkat continued. He got up and walked over to the kitchen table where I sat, placing himself in a chair next to mine.

"I, uh, kind of went through your notebook. The grey one," I said meekly. Karkat froze in his spot, staring at me.

"Why did you do that without asking?" He hissed. Shit, now I've really fucked up.

"Well, I was curious. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. You always kept it hidden from me, so I looked. Some stuff in there made me worry about you, even if they were from a while ago." I stated. I am not backing down now.

He sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose, before looking at me.

"What do you want to know? I know I put some fucked up shit in there, so lay it on me," He still sounded angry, but it was far tamer.

"Oh, uh, can I get the notebook? I want to show you exactly what I'm talking about." I asked. He nodded and I walked through the house. Not only do I want to show him what I'm talking about, but I also did it to give him some space before I start attacking him with questions. Personal questions.

I went back to the table. Karkat had his hands laced together, tapping one thumb on the other. He was upset, but wasn't going to let go of his promise to tell me these things. I won't let him.

I sat down and asked him if he was sure he was fine with it. He said yes and I opened to the first page.

"Who's this?" I questioned. Innocent enough, I suppose.

"Oh, it's actually Gamzee," He said. "It's from years ago, though. You know, before he got hooked on drugs,"

You were shocked to find out that the boy in the drawing was Gamzee. Gamzee was bony and scarred. This Gamzee had life to him and lacked the scars on his face.

"Yeah, believe it or not, he wasn't born a drug addict." He laughed bitterly at his memories.

I flipped to the picture of the woman. He ran a hand through his hair when he saw it. He looked like he could cry again, like he didn't want to look at the drawing.

"Who is it? If it's anyone at all," I prompt. Karkat breathed deeply before answering me.

"It's my mom," He said, voice strained. I was confused. Why did he draw him mom in such a way? I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

  "Well, that's not what she actually looks like, but what my emotions see her as. I think she's cruel." Karkat mumbled. I reached over and rubbed his back, hoping that he wouldn't cry. It hurt to see him cry.

  "I'm sorry about that," I spoke.

  "Don't fucking apologize," He gritted his teeth again. I moved on without another word.

  "These. All of them. Explain," I pointed to the sentences he had written. They were an array of 'You aren't good enough's, 'You're desperate's, and 'Kill yourself's. They were all written to him by his own hand.

  "I just hated myself for a while. I don't know why. My life was pretty good. I mean, I had friends, supportive family, and a roof over my head. It was dumb," He explained. I scooted my chair over and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

  "Are you okay now?" I asked. Please, Karkat, be happy.

  "Yeah. That was a while ago, like I said." He kissed me on the cheek for emphasis. "You made me happier,"

  "Okay, that's good, babe." I smiled gently. I didn't ask any more than that about his words or his mom. Those things seemed to really hurt him. His mom definitely got to him. I wanted to know what happened, but I could wait.

  I slipped my arm in a loop around his and ventured further into the notebook. There was a two month long skip in it before the paper bore my name. It was written in his all-caps handwriting.

  I flipped a few more pages. There were a few tattoo designs, but there were also a few portraits of myself. He sheepishly looked away from me when he noticed what drawings I was staring at.

  "They're pretty. I don't know what you're so flustered about," I laughed at him a bit. I stared in awe at the amount of detail in the pictures. I marveled at Karkat's skill. I didn't have much of it myself. I drew angles, not curved lines.

  "My head hurts. Can we stop looking at the notebook? It's really just portraits of you and tattoo designs after that. Nothing interesting," Karkat was covering up for something.

  "What'd you do, draw some dirty stuff? Come on, Kat, were both adults here."

  I skip a few pages and come to a drawing of me. A suggestive drawing of me. From what I could tell, it was before our little encounter after the bar.

  "That's all! We're putting this back now!" Karkat blushed heavily, grabbing the notebook and running back to his room with it.

"So you did have dirty stuff," I laughed. He shoved at me when he got back. When he sat down, he shoved his face into the crook of my neck.

"That wasn't the point of this discussion. I thought it was to find out what some fucked up stuff I put in there was about, not to make me want to jump into oblivion to hide from embarrassment," Karkat mumbled against my neck.

"Oh come on, it's not that big of a deal," I smirked a little.

At least he talked to me. He was still vague, though. He still had blurry areas, and I wanted to learn about them.

_____________________________________________

Hey. Oh shit man.

His past is kind of brutal, so you know. Like, it was good but at the same time kind of sad. I promise that it'll be explained in more depth soon.

Dave didn't really want to ask about his mom because Karkat had been snappy since he told him that he looked and he didn't want him to get angry.

But Karkat is still vague. He's supposed to be until later in the story. The first elephant in the room was his notebook, and now it's him. He's the elephant no one talks about.

Okay, gotta go write more. Bye!

~Ghostie