Deserving | ✔

Chapter 3

After a few more long hours at the funeral, with pity eyes gazing at me, shoulder squeezes from people I barely recognize and pathetic short talks from people who don't even know who the real Stephanie is, Ian drives me to my home. I kept thinking about the people at the funeral. All they practically know is that Stephanie is in their professional or outer life and she is no longer alive. They are probably talking to Ian and Denver and Emily and I because we spoke at the event and claimed her as close relatives of us.

I hate to answer very hurting questions like "How are you holding up?" "What are you planning to do now?" "Will you ever move on to someone else?" Yes, someone asked me that question.

"What's there to move on to?" Was all I answered.

Ian stops the car and when I look out, it is his home and not mine. "Why are we here?" I ask.

Ian turns to me and takes a deep breath. "Look, Phillip, I am really not happy with the way you are handling this situation. I already lost my sister. And I'm not ready to lose my best friend now. So, one of us has to move in with the other so that I can keep a look on you and you can give me the comfort much needed from Stephanie's loss. Is it gonna be my place or yours?"

I remain silent for as long as possible.

"Mine or yours?" He repeats.

"I am not going to leave my house."

"Then I'm moving in with you."

"Fine, but you are not allowed anywhere near our room."

Ian squeezes my arm. "Your room, Phillip, not our room."

You've made me single and alone, Stephanie. That's three to zero, you leading. You owe me.

***

It felt like only minutes since I went to my room and cuddled with her jeans and Ian is already knocking at my door. "Buddy? You there?"

I didn't reply. "Please, Phillip, come out for a while and hang out. Locking in doesn't make the pain vanish."
I grunt and reach for the door. I look at Ian and give the straightforward answer.

"Listen, Ian, I know you are really trying to make my pain lower and get me to reality. But you have to understand that this is Stephanie we're talking about. The only woman in my life, who made the void of my mother go, the void of my life vanish. Now, she's gone. You can't expect me to moon dance and get back to normal. She left me, Ian. She... She is no more. I am all alone. I have nothing to look forward to. To move on to. Stephanie has an impact on my life. It will never go. So none of your words or action is gonna change that impact. Instead of trying pathetically to move on, I prefer to wallow, mourn and pine honestly. Alright?"

I slam the door on his face and cuddle with her jeans on the bed again.

***

Nights pass by. Days pass by. Her lavender scent in the jeans is fading very fast. Her side of the bed isn't as warm now. Her voice, her laugh, her look; it's becoming a memory. It is only present in my head.

I eat when I can't hold out my hunger anymore and I cuddle with whatever Stephanie feels like in the bed.

Sometimes I just stare at my bathroom mirror, thinking how she just disappeared from the world. How I let her go. And how that has made me. Questions, questions: answers seem to have flown away from me.

Ian didn't knock at my door after that once I answered him. I don't even know if he's here. I don't care either.

"Phillip?" He calls me, ironically as I'm thinking about him lying on the bed.