Living With Derma

No Escape

There is no escape when you have dermatillomania. It's not only noticeable physically, but also psychologically. 

The scars don't fade fast enough.

The blood stains are always visible.

The bruising and bleeding are sticky and painful.

The scabs are still too fresh.

That's only part of the physical symptoms. The psychological battle one faces is undeniably harder and it makes us weak. 

You feel relentless. 

You have zero confidence.

You try to cover yourself and make yourself smaller than you really are.

You can't communicate with people properly.

You've  probably developped anxiety or depression.

You feel ugly.

We expect people to care and to understand but it's actually quite the opposite in reality. Your friends don't understand. Your family thinks you're gross. No one understands that it's a real psychological problem.

The need to pick at a "blemish" that no one notices is not okay. The need to perfect your perfect flaws is not okay. People with dermatillomania don't value their worth. You have to come above your need and habit of going back to destroy your skin.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be too harsh. I've had dermatillomania for about five years now and it was hell. Absolute hell. I stopped playing sports, I stopped writing for a while, I started to do bad in school, I stopped going out. I couldn't even walk to my mailbox without feel horrid. 

My face was full of bloody patches and black scarring. My own teacher thought I had a severe case of chickenpox. My mother called me crazy. I went to my religious practises, and a woman told me to die for ruining my skin. A third person asked me if I had a skin disease.

I contemplated suicide multiple times. I was alone. I was lost. I was nothing.

I wanted to be beautiful. The generic and over-used phrase of "It's what inside that counts" was foolish. It was wrong. It was just something people said to excuse their lack of empathy. 

I grew older and wiser. I grew into a person that I can say I'm proud of. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I got through my worst days. I'm proud that even though I broke down more than 500 times I cameout smiling. Mostly, I'm proud that I'm me. I'm glad for my flaws and imperfections. 

If I didn't have dermatillomania then I probably would be a superficial bitch right now. I'd be living the "high life." I would have no empathy or regard for people that aren't happy with themselves. Dermatillomania taught me about myself, my worth, and appreciation. I can honestly say that I'm happy I had dermatillomania. I am who I am today because of Derma, she taught me a lot. Hopefully I can help you out even if you don't have dermatillomania in the next few chapters. Stay you, stay beautiful.