BITE ME

'NATURAL BIRTH' MUST HAVE BEEN COINED BY A MAN.

Okay, I have to do it now, because you Anniemena said OMG! So this one's for you.

I was once a big advocate of the 'natural birth' process. When I fell pregnant with Dylan, I chose to go the 'midwifery way'. In a hospital, but no doctors, just me and a midwife. No pain meds either. Hey if millions of women had done it through the centuries then so would I. I was tough, I was invincible... I was woman.

Dylan was almost two weeks 'overcooked'. It was early February which also meant extreme heat. I am very thin, usually sitting between 50 and 54 kilos. I gained baby weight only. So from the back, I looked human. Front and side... what can I say? I had this big round belly. You get the picture.

By the 13th day over my expected due date, I fronted up to the hospital and screamed "Get it out of me. Now!" So I was 'induced'. Nothing happened for a few hours. Then my waters broke. Yes! Liberation time. It was around 4.00pm.

Bag packed, I arrived at the hospital, accompanied by my then husband, my mother and as word spread, my mother in law, my brother (first child in the family and all) his former wife, my then sister in law, her mother, my father - probably some others joined the circus but I stopped counting at some point.

I did all the recommended things at first. Lay in a warm bath... paced the short corridor. Breathed, breathed. Sucked on ice. Cursed a lot. The midwife checking every hour: "Nope, still not dilated".

Several hours later I was screaming. Very loudly. So much so I was scaring other mothers-to-be apparently. An epidural was suggested. Former sister-in law hovering with the video camera the entire time, like she was filming the next Oscar winning movie.

A doctor was called for. This was an off-shoot of the main hospital, situated about 20 minutes away, with no Emergency Department. Doctors were young, cutting their teeth here so to speak. They were also very hard to find.

In my 20th hour of labour, at about midday, one turned up. By this stage, all repetitions of "I am woman" had disappeared, and I was giving very loud renditions of "Drugs,Drugs, I want Drugs!"

He tried. Missed the first time. Missed the second time, the long needle just off the mark or so I heard. The nurse holding me still was frowning. I got this was not supposed to happen. On his third try, he proclaimed success. Everything was removed and he disappeared. There was no success. Somehow he'd botched even the third attempt so what I was now facing was half my body blissfully pain free and the other half in pain-hell. I would never have believed this was possible.

Early evening found me delirious, mumbling incoherently between the howling. I was still not yet fully dilated and the baby was showing early signs of distress. I was exhibiting a new yet very primitive self. I was in a very dark cave somewhere - before language had formed - making weird grunting noises. (I have the video to prove it.)

My audience came and went in waves. "What? Still nothing?" I heard those words a lot. I cursed in my own language everyone who uttered them but they couldn't understand me anyway, so I just shook my head in the end, shooting hateful eye-arrows.

9.00pm it was declared: Both baby and mother were now "in distress". Really? Which Einstein had reached this particular conclusion?

"We're calling for an obstetrician," a voice said in my ear. I heard "Lidunt grrnbr flnuheufj." Yeah, I was now no tonly speaking my own language, I was no longer able to comprehend theirs!

"One of the doctor's is out to diner." I heard "FGYTd jfye  jfihbbhs"

I said "Gruhhbaaaa geegeg," or words to that effect.