BITE ME

WHEN DOES A BOY BECOME A MAN?

My oldest son turns 18 today. He is still asleep, having stayed up until I woke at two, to take over the night-time caring of my father.

A couple of days ago, on the way home from visiting my mother who is in hospital at the moment, he took our shared mobile phone out and Googled, "What can I do when I turn eighteen?"

He then rattled off his findings: "I can drink, I can gamble, I can apply for loans, I can be tried as an adult, I can..." He stopped.

"What else hon?"

"Nothing?"

"What do you mean?"

"These are all legal things. Like I'm suddenly overnight given permission to do all this stuff."

"Yeah. It means you're an adult then. A man, I guess."

"But I won't feel any different in two days' time. I won't suddenly wake up on the 11th and feel like an adult. This is bullshit."

"I guess there has to be an age set?"

"Yes, but did you notice how all these things I can suddenly do come with consequences? Like I can do this, but... I can drink this but... It's all just a bunch of rules."

I knew what he was struggling to convey but I wanted him to further discuss the issue. He'd been playfully using the "I'm too young" excuse for some time now, but I'd sensed the inner turmoil behind his humorous excuses.

"What if I don't want to be an adult? What if I'm already an adult? See, the number is a legal thing, and I have to now act differently and have all this responsibility just because I am 18. Other people will treat me differently too. Why can't I just continue to be me?"

We'd been spending a lot of time together the past weeks. He'd never rebelled as a teen, never displayed the typical behaviours of his peers. Instead, I was now witnessing his rebelling against the notion of his impending legal status.

It got me thinking... When does a boy become a man? Legalities aside, is there a defining moment when the passing over takes place? He'd gradually assumed the role of 'Head of our household' but this too had been forced upon him through unintended circumstances: His father out of the picture, his grandfather needing increasing support, his brother younger and preferring less responsibility; he had had no choice but to assume the role.

I heard the words "mature beyond his years," and "he's such a responsible young man," and "you are lucky, to have been blessed with him". Statements offered by my parents, other parents and friends who witnessed his politeness, his willingness to help, his respect of elders...

He grew up in a household where his grandparents were ever-present; my father's catastrophic stroke occurring two years after his birth and necessitating his and my mother's living with us. The three of us have therefore never lived as a separate unit; all of our living has taken place within this shared household.

He will always be my boy, no matter the age. I have witnessed many occasions one would call signs of 'manhood'. Times when he's taken charge of situations, times when he's stepped in, alleviating the many pressures engulfing me. Even moments when he's assumed greater maturity, stopping me from potential verbal disasters, since I am prone to rebelling against any and every encroaching authority.

I am awed by his intelligence, humbled by his generosity of spirit and comforted by the notion that he is indeed an achievement, something I have done right in the midst of so many wrongs.

If I were compelled to choose a defining moment, it would be through the telling of yet another story: