My Spiritual Journey

Where Do I begin?

Lets talk about lying. I was a good liar. I knew when to convince someone about myself.
For a long time about twelve years of my life I created the perfect little girl for my family.
She was sweet. Did what she was told. She learned how to tidy the house. She held her tongue when angry and even apologize when she didn't think she did anything wrong.
She was so good of a liar she even fooled me.

Then there was a part of me I hid when I was five.

The part of me that wanted to talk back and kill the babysitter that always beat my sister and shook my brother. I choked her in my nightmares.

The part of me who was constantly myself.
"You really shouldn't care about a man you only heard in stories. People don't need to make you feel cornered over a man you will never met in this lifetime. "

The one side of me that was overlooked by my family.
Who wanted attention but never got it.

Who wanted to be a person...

But the perfect girl made me scared...

She wanted to take over me.
I knew if she did that I wouldn't be breathing now.

But the part of me I hid showed up more when I was fourteen and I hated it...
It began to show up more after I was sexually assaulted.

I never thought I would be in that situation.

But it was ignoring the part of me that told me to get out of there.
But that wasn't the perfect girl.
Because the perfect girl only listened and obeyed.
She never had a voice to stand up for herself.
She believed if you just found a young Christian guy who likes you he wouldn't hurt you.
How wrong she was.
How wrong I was
How lost...we both were.

So lost...
So numb...
So...empty...
Twelve years....
I wasted...
Twelve years of purity...
Of confusion...
Of conformity.
It was then I had to make sure I didn't do things to make people happy.
That the perfect girl was the disguise and I didn't care how she felt...
That wasn't me....

Now when I talk about Christianity understand I am not bashing the religion or the people who go through it.
I understand perfectly well how much passion people are about religion.

However I am explaining how my childhood was given incorrect and traumatizing events that occurred in the religious studies.

Also...this is not the reason why I turned away from the religion that many including my family follow.

It began at a very young age with the true part of me.
The imperfect ill tempered curious little girl. Who was captivated by her dreams and the parts of her she only thought was imagination.

The purpose of this book is to help me through my spiritual journey and since my family is not the right kind of family to talk to about my spiritual journey I have decided to write about it and I'll try to keep you updated.
Love Laugh and Luck
Blessed be
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