Set in Ink

Chapter 26

Vander pulls my hair out.

Vander strokes my hair.

Vander claws at my face.

Vander lightly caresses my face.

Vander shoves me away.

Vander holds me close.

Vander screams at me.

Vander calms me as I scream.

Vander ties me to a chair and interrogates me.

Vander gingerly unwraps me from my tangle of sheets.

Vander drives me crazy.

Vander keeps me sane.

There's no in between.

There's no definite line between dream and reality.

There's always blurred lines.

There's no way to tell how much time is passing.

There's no trust.

There's only trust.

There's him.

There's me.

There's me and him.

There's pain.

There's passion.

Who is he?

Who am I?

Who's the devil?

Who's the angel?

Who's the cause of the pain?

What's the difference?

Why does it matter?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I drag myself towards awareness as I try to pick up the shards of consciousness that lay around my scrambled mind after another halfway sleepless night.

Every night I wake up screaming.

Every night Vander comforts me.

Every night I fall back asleep in his arms.

Every morning I wake up and he's gone.

It's like clockwork and it feels so natural now. I can count on him soothing and comforting me. He never touches the bed until I tell him it's okay, and even then he climbs in slowly, carefully.

I don't try to be bipolar, but I can't help it. I want to be happy during the day. I want to live life to the fullest, and I do when the shadows can't reach me, but at night they're everywhere. During the day Vander and I pretend nothing happened during the night. Mama, Gramps, and Brookie pretend they didn't hear my screams. Dad pretends he doesn't know that Vander lies in bed with me every night. On the first morning after Vander came into my room he gave me a stern questioning look and I gave him a sarcastic one in reply. One of the things I love about Dad is that we can have conversations with our eyes.

What happened last night?

I can't believe you're really asking me that question, we're just friends.

Yeah right.

I swear I don't feel that way about him.

Does he know that?

Of course.

Do you really know that Addilyn?

Dad!

I may be lying to Dad, but I also may not be. I honestly don't know how I feel about Vander. Does it feel like he's a best friend? I don't know I've never had one. Do I love him? I can't tell. Mama always said if you love someone you'll know, but I don't know. Do I? There's no one I can talk to about this. Mama would understand, she would know what to say, but she's my mother. You can't talk to your mother about these things. It's the job of a best friend. A girl best friend that's not like Brookie. One your age that understands and won't betray you. She would help and encourage and you'd learn from her and help her, too.

I've decided I need a girl best friend. School is starting up again soon. It's time to get one.