Into the Dark (ORIGINAL AND UNEDITED EDITON)

Three

It's a beautiful moment and I look around for the photographer but he's already inside.  Thankfully the videographer has noticed and moves silently around Rob and her Dad before finally lowering the camera and slipping quietly inside the room beyond the double doors.    Liam gestures for us to wait "two minutes" and then he sneaks inside the room too.

While we wait for the signal, Rob practically bounces up and down with excitement between her father and me, and I beam at her before kneeling down to fluff out her dress again.  When Liam returns, the doors are pulled open wide and I stand and move in front of Rob and her dad. 

From here I get my first look at the packed 'drawing' room.   Good god.    Yes, I decide then that if I ever do get married – which is highly unlikely because he's still gone – not only will it not be in a castle, it will be a small private ceremony with a handful of close friends and family.  I can't handle the thought of this many people staring at me and scrutinising my dress and my every outward emotion.  

Liam checks that Rob and her dad are ready, before giving me a final reassuring smile and gesturing for me to take my spot.  As I move in front of Rob he turns and signals to someone on the inside of the room and I hear the sounds of people standing up. 

The nausea bubbles and coils in my tummy and I feel ridiculous because of it.  I'm not getting married, I don't have to speak or do anything except walk to the other end of the room in time with the music but I feel sick anyway.  It settles me a little to know mum and dad are in there somewhere though. 

As the soft string sound of Pachelbel starts, I glance back at Rob who gives me a bright excited smile before I turn and step into the room. 

A soft grey carpet runs up the aisle which is scattered with white rose petals that suddenly remind me of Jake and cause a whisper of something cold and sad to brush over me. When I'm about halfway down I spot dad smiling at me like he might do if it were my own wedding day, and I give him a bright smile before focusing back to the front to where Dan is waiting with Mark just to his left.  

Sherlock's eyes widen a little as I approach and he smiles at me, the look of conspirator about him. Ever since the day in my kitchen he's had that same look,  like we have some secret bond that ties us. A bond I'd slice in a heartbeat because it would mean Jake would still be here, and his secrets would still be his own, and that I could still love him.

I look at Dan instead and give him a warm smile, which he returns.  He looks extremely handsome in a grey morning suit with flashes of green from his lapel and waistcoat, and his hair styled neatly back from his face making him look boyish.  He looks nervous, certainly more nervous than Rob and he fiddles absently with his hands, sliding them into his pocket and back out again before fiddling with his jacket.

I know the moment he spots Rob because his mouth practically drops open and his eyes cloud over like he's about to burst into tears - which would be the sweetest thing ever if he did. 

I take my place to the left of the registrar and turn to watch as Rob approaches the rest of the way.  She's staring at Dan with such love and such unbridled emotion that it breaks my heart a little more. Not because I don't want that for her, of course I do, but because it reminds me of what I don't have and what I want so desperately.  I want that. With him.  With the man I can't love.   With the man I'll always love.  

I always knew today would be the great reminder of the love I didn't have.  The one I'd lost. I'd had lots of thoughts since the night with Laurent; since my almost mistake. Mainly they were about what it meant that I seemed unable to be with another man and about how I was going to go try and fix this. Whether I even could fix this.