To the readers of my journal,
Hello. Welcome to my world. I wish for you to read my life: learn of my past, understand my fears, and yearn with me over the magical, fictional future for which I aspired and dreamed. Judge freely. After all, that is t...
On January 11th, my oldest brother came to pick me up from school. He just texted me one day, "mom's busy, gonna pick u up." There was nothing unusual about that. Often, when he was home from college, he would come and pick me up from school. When class ended, I would leave the building, and there he would be, relaxing in the parking lot, still seated in the vehicle. Then, I would get in and we would just sit there, listening to music, enjoying the silent company.
But, for some reason, something was off that day. I saw it in so many things. First, I noted the obvious. When I exited the school, he was standing there, leaning against the car. Then, I saw it in his stance. His normally straight back was hunched over. Then, his eyes, normally bright and full of excitement were dull and tired. He had bags under them. My phone rang.
"Don't answer," Jared said.
I looked at the caller ID. "It's Mom..."
"Don't - Trust me." His voice was weak. I declined the call.
He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. That was the dead giveaway. If I thought that something was wrong before, that just confirmed my suspicions. He never touched me, except to hit me.
He squeezed my shoulders and sighed. He put his head down on my shoulders and whispered, "Oma's dead."
My world spun. The ground didn't sit still. My vision blurred.
"That isn't funny." I told him.
"Then it's a good thing that I'm not joking." he replied.
Then, he walked past me, to reunite with his friends whom he hadn't seen in a long time. They talked and hung out while I stood there, trying to wrap my head around the concept. Sure, Oma was sick for a long time, but death? She wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready for it. He talked to his friends for twenty minutes before coming back to me and driving me to Oma's apartment where we made our peace and said our goodbyes.
That night I called you up on the phone, Sophie. I needed to talk to you. I needed to talk to someone and tell them what happened. I needed for you to send me notes for the days of school I was going to miss when the funeral occurred and when I was going to help get my mother through her mourning. But, Sophie, our conversation didn't go anything like I expected. When you answered the phone, I told you what happened. I told you about how my grandmother died and I had to fly to California. Your response was so fucked up, Sophie. You told me that I was "lucky". You made a whole big deal about how I get to go to California and I am so fortunate.
"Sophie," I said gently, "I'm not going to vacation. I'm not going to Los Angeles or Hollywood. I am going to the middle of nowhere to bury my grandma."
"You're still lucky," was your response. Jesus.
I had never been to a funeral before, so I didn't know what it would be like. I didn't know that, in addition to holding yourself together, you have to hold others together. I stood there the entire time, with my arms around my cousin, Shir, keeping her together. I held her as she sobbed. I sat with her as we told stories about Oma, bringing her memory back to life.
I didn't know that you had to ignore bullshit from the deceased's friends. A couple of them told me that it was unfortunate that I didn't know her. How would they know how I knew her? I knew her as the graceful and elegant and most loving person in the world. I knew her as a strong, determined woman who didn't let anyone stand in her way of living life on her terms, even the Nazis. I knew her in so many ways. Who were they to tell me that I didn't know her. Another person shushed me and my mom during the actual burial. Who shushes the family of the dead?
Honestly Sophie, the whole funeral was terrible. You didn't have to be a major contributor to that, constantly texting me how lucky I was. I mean, seriously, have some compassion! The only people who were truly helpful were Al's friends.
The boys pooled their money and bought my family food for the weekend. When we got home, it was waiting for us. They visited every day after school, keeping us company while we grieved. Everyday, Ben and Ethan would embrace me. Ben would just go in for the kill, walking up to me and wrapping his arms around me. Ethan would extend his arms, then back up and turn his head to the side, like a confused puppy, unsure whether or not to hug me (I'm not a touchy person), then he would tentatively hug me when I also extended my arms. They really helped me get through it.
Going back to school was the hardest. Everyone was just going on with their daily lives, and I was lost. Sophie, you and Hailey didn't even want to talk to me about what happened. I was just kind of thrown back into everyday life and expected to get back to my routine. It was more difficult than you could imagine.
Sadly, my first day back to school, Al couldn't drive me home. I was waiting for someone by their car when I saw Ben, walking across the parking lot. Then, he saw me and immediately changed his direction, heading towards me.
"Are you okay?" He asked me. I said that I was.
"Whose car is this?" He asked. I told him the name of the girl who was driving me home.
"Okay, good." He said. " I wanted to make sure that you had a way of going home." I told him that I did. Then, he looked deeply into my eyes.
"How're you holding up?" He asked, seriously. I told him that I was alright. He took a step closer to me. I inhaled sharply. He searched my eyes.
"That's a lie," He said. I shrugged.
"You know, Al's not handling this too well. I know that you aren't either. So, answer me honestly. How are you holding up?" I mumbled an "I'm fine".
"Again, that's a lie." He took a step back, "I understand that it's a hard time for you and I understand why you are lying. I understand that it is hard to admit your grief, especially to me." He began to walk away. Then, when he was almost at his car, he turned around.
"I just hope you know that you never have to lie to me. I will always be here for you."
Ben gave me a sad wave, then got in his car and drove off. I felt like I just experienced a movie scene. Hey, at least someone cared.
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Chapter Eleven, wow! This an especially long chapter for some special people! This is so exciting! Sorry for not posting for a while, I've been working on my new book, "Paper Hearts".
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Those of you who are not reading it, please go check it out. I am writing it a part of the 30 day writing challenge.
Thank you, followers for staying with me. Never stop being so awesome!
Share your thoughts with me! Do you like this chapter? What do you think of Sophie? Be honest. Do you think that Ben is good for the MC? Do you think that he is a good guy?
