Self Hate

14

August

"Where is Orianna? She usually always over here." Chris asked as we sat in my basement smoking a blunt.

"Ion fuck wit' ha' no mo'."

"Why?"

"She's a liar and Ion have time fa' liars."

I honestly haven't heard from her in weeks since I found out she was still doing drugs. I tried to help her as a friend should and I still would've if she just had been truthful.

There was no reason for her to lie to me. You lie to me once, you just might lie to me again so I cut off all ties.

I cant say that I don't miss her but I just have to move on.

"Well, you still talking to Tasha?"

"Yeah, she cool peoples."

Tasha is my friend that I engaged in a few adult activities with. I was friends with her way before Orianna and we messed around a few times.

Then I caught feelings for Orianna and we just remained normal friends.

But that day I was mad at Orianna for blaming me for her getting raped at the party, I had sex with Tasha. The same girl that Orianna saw at the door.

Maybe it's time to see where Tasha and I go.

Orianna

My life has spiraled out of control in a matter of weeks. I almost lost my job and I'm on the verge of losing my place.

"Ria?" I heard Farrah's voice as she walked into my room. My door was most likely unlocked."You need to clean this place and pull yourself together."

"You don't tell me what to do." I snapped.

"Do you see what this is doing to you?" She gestured at me. "You need to get some help before this does some serious damage to you."

"Shut up Farrah, I don't need no help from you."

"I'm just trying to help, Ria. I will not watch you spiral out like this."

"I'm prefectly fine." I rolled my eyes.

"No you're not." She raised her voice.

I rubbed my temples, "Why are you so worried about me? Go worry about Darren or something."

Her boyfriend that she's been dating for almost a month. Now she has someone else to obsess over.

"You're my best friend and way more important now get up before I call August." She pulled my arm.

"He won't answer anyways." I told her.

She took my phone that was laying on the bed and dialed his number. She put it on speaker as it began to ring. Surprisingly, he picked up on the third ring.

"Hello." His voice came through the phone.

"August."

"Farrah, whatcha' doin' wit' Orianna's phone? Is she a'ight?" His voice sounded a little panicked.

"No, she isn't. Can you come over to her place, pleas-"

The dial tone from him hanging up cut off her sentence.

"I told you he wasn't going to care." I said in a bored tone.

He made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. I betrayed him and lost his trust.

I was scared he would've shunned me for telling him that day in the bathroom. And if he didn't, there was no doubt he would've done it when I told him I lost the baby.

Farrah kept nagging for what seemed like forever before there was a knock st the door. Farrah went to go answer it.

"Whea' is she?" I heard August at the door.

He rushed into the room taking a good look at me. His stare was making me feel uncomfortable.

I was really skinny now, practically on the verge of being anorexic. My eyes were bloodshot red.

He slowly made his way to me and sat on the bed.

"Whatcha' doin' to ya'self?" He looked at me with sorrow.

"Don't act like you care." I hissed.

He looked taken back by my tone.

"I do care."

"No you don't, you kicked me out, remember?" I sniffed.

"'Cause you lied."

"Then leave, I didn't ask you to come here." I told him.

"Is dis whatchu' want for ya'self? Ta' be a cocaine addict?" He asked.

"I want to be happy and this is the only way."

"No, it's not."

I was getting really agitated by how calm he was being right now. He wasn't this calm three weeks ago when he kicked me out of his house.

"And how would you know, huh? How do you know what's best for me?"

"When I left tha' first time, ya' started drinkin' again. When I left the second time, ya' started doin' drugs again. Don't ya' get it? I'm what's best fo' you."

"No you're not, I hate you." I turned my head so he wouldn't see the tears threatening to fall out my eyes.

"Whatchu' say?"

"I said I hate you." I spoke up louder, knowing I was lying.

His hand grabbed my face to make me look at him.

"Don't ya' eva' say dat shit again."

My tears began to fall. I don't know why I was crying. Maybe it was guilt or frustration.

Guilt for the fact that if I hadn't turned to drugs, I would still have my baby. Frustration because I can't shake August off, he doesn't give up.

Even though at times I have felt like he's given up on me. But he always proves to me that he hasn't. I want to let him in but I just can't.

I felt something drip from my nose and it wasn't snot. It was blood.

"Tilt ya' head forward." August quickly said before disappearing to the bathroom.

He came back and dabbed away the blood while pinching my nose.

This wasn't nothing new for me. You get frequent nosebleeds when you sniff cocaine.

He threw away the bloody tissue when my nose was no longer bleeding.

"Dis is not you. Dis is not tha' girl I fell fa'." He sighed.

"I'm sorry." I cried.

He pulled me into his arms, "It's okay, I'm gonna getchu' some help, baybeh. I promise."

♡♡♡♡

Orianna?

August?

Excuse mistakes.