Phan oneshots

If only I knew

(Edited 12/1/17)

Word count: 1170

Description: If only...

Warnings: depression, suicide, breakup.

***

If only I knew.

If only I knew what was really happening. I should have realised. You would go silent for days then suddenly start talking again like nothing had happened.

If only I knew.

During conversations you would randomly stop talking and start looking at nothing in particular. You would space out a lot. I always thought you were a daydreamer, but then it started to happen more often.

If only I knew.

The nightmares. Why did you never tell me? I would walk into your room in the mornings to see you crying and rocking back and forth. I asked you what was wrong repeatedly, but you would just blank me or cry even harder.

If only I knew.

Why did you never tell me? Why did you never say anything? You always shook you head at compliments, or disagreed with them. You never believed me when I told you how amazing you were. Or how many people loved you, including me.

You pushed all your friends and family away and ignored everything. You stopped doing YouTube and radio 1. You ignored everything I said to you, until that day.

If only I knew.

I came back from the shop to see you waiting by the kitchen door for me. I smiled at you and hugged you, but you just pushed me away.

"I can't do this anymore," you said. I looked up at you confused, but you just shook your head. "I'm breaking up with you."

I remember breaking down crying, asking for you to forgive me and to take me back. I asked why countless times until you finally cracked. You shouted and screamed at me.

"I don't love you! That's why! I never loved you! It was just an act!"

"I don't believe you!"

"How stupid can you get? I hate you."

Those words killed me. It's funny how words do that. Just three little words can make or break you.

I didn't understand at the time why you said what you did.

But I do now.

If only I knew.

I walked out. I couldn't take it anymore. You hardly ever shouted at me for anything. I wish I never left.

If only I knew.

It was my fault. I should have stopped! I shouldn't have left you alone.

If only I knew.

When I got back the first thing I saw was the note. I was scared about opening it at first, but I did.