Save me.. Zianourry Niall centre

Chapter 7

Niall's POV:

I take one last look at my car sitting against the side of the road; then glance back down at the water beneath me. "I'm sorry," I murmur and jump.

It's liberating, like every fiber of your being is weightless, you can't feel anything, just the rush of air around you, it's crisp and cool, like nothing you have ever felt before, but then you hit the water.

It pulls me down faster than I thought it would. The water is freezing; it's stinging my skin, like pins and needles. The current is stronger than I am; it feels like an arm grabbing my leg and just keeps pulling me down. I don't want to fight, but yet I do. I regret jumping, yet I don't. I want to fight the current, yet I don't want to. I want to die, but I want to live.

Why did I do this? There would be faster and less painless ways to die. My throat and lungs burn as the water pours in through my nose. A bullet would have been faster, less painful if I would have done it right. A bottle of pills, it would be painless, but it would take longer. Slicing my wrists, but I couldn't do that, I'm far to chicken of pain to handle that. It felt so right, just to jump, to want to die, my heart hurt so bad, I felt like I could never be happy again, yet I wish I hadn't.

I wish I would have thought this out better. I wish I would have stopped for a spilt second. I wish I would have sorted through all of the damn information that was in my head. I wish I would have just run away. Maybe I could have gone visit my mom and Greg back in Ireland. I wouldn't have to finish school, I could just find a decent job somewhere were nobody knew me. Maybe I could go back and go to community college in a few years. I had enough money saved up for University, I could have used that to for gas money, get an apartment, get another life started. Maybe I could have found a nice guy to love me back. Maybe I could have lived.

But it was too late now, I had made my choice, and now I had to live with it. I had chosen to jump of the damn bridge, it was all mine, nobody had forced me to jump, nobody had pushed me off; it was my fault I was going to die. I hate my brain, I had the fact that it digs through every bite of memories and every thought and drags them up now, now when it was too late.

What if I could have been happy? What if I could have lived a normal life? What if I finally convinced Dad to accept me for who I am? What if I could have been Sam's man of honor? She had always promised to it to me, and now I would never see that day. What if I could have fallen in love again, but with someone else? What if I could have had a family? What if I could have convinced them to love me back? What if I could have been happy?

But it's too late now, it's all over, I made my bed and now I had to sleep in it. Now I had to live with it or not I guess now. I guess this is it; the world around me is going black. Isn't there supposed to be some white light to come get me or something? Aren't I supposed to hear the voices of singing angels or the voice of my dead relatives coming to get me? Isn't there supposed to be a flood of pictures as I watch my life go by before my eyes? All I see is black, and everything is silent, it's eerie, this was not the way I wanted to go, I wish it could have been a bit more comfortable, less scary, less alone, but it is what it is.

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"Fuckin' idiot kid, doesn't he know better?" a grumpy old man growls, his voice rough and sore.

Well that was not words or voice I thought I'd hear once was in the afterlife, or where ever the hell you go. I was hoping for more of an open arms and soft sweet motherly or fatherly voice to be the first thing I heard. Not some rough voice that made me want to flinch.