Insignificant

Hello I'm insignificant, I'm not going to tell you my name because its not important. I'm not important and the sooner you understand that the better. I wish I could say this derived from bullying or neglect. But no. Through my time growing up I just I came to this decision and since then I've lived my life like that.

Before I changed I was bubbly, loud and cheery. When I spoke you could probably hear me from the corridors, my laugh could be heard a mile off and my bubbliness was always to someone's annoyance. I was that sort of girl that couldn't care what people thought so I carried on regardless.

I wasn't the best looking girl, I was chubby but I liked to think my eyes and lips were my best features. A gift from above and all I needed to woo anyone. Other than that I did have big boobs and a butt but if I was slim they would be more effective.

I remember the day when I saw myself in the mirror and finally saw that what people said to me was true! I was big! Nothing hurts more than finally seeing what others saw. And also coming to terms with it. My solution was to stop eating! Turns out that it takes about.......days for your body to be on the verge of starvation so it couldn't hurt plus I would be doing my mother a favor not having to spending all her money on food and stuff. Another reason for me to shut myself off from the world.

I don't have much experience with guys, the only proper boyfriend I had broke my heart, one of the reasons why I was like this. The other guys weren't interested in me, all they wanted was to fiddle about with me. I went to bed many a night crying and I know I should be stronger but I just kept forgetting to keep my guard up. So as well as sorrow I was always filled with guilt for letting myself down. Mainly because I would fool myself into thinking if I let them do what they wanted they would like me. Once again I was wrong.

Then there was my best friend, it seemed like she took pleasure in taking what was mine and making it better. My best friend was the girl you wanted to be, she was sexy in every way. She was slim, curvy in the right places and she had some sort of mix in her making her exotic. Leaving me the bland friend who most people took pity on mainly because I a leech attached to her. But it wasn’t fair how she was with me, like she always had to do one better than me or do more than me. I'll give you an example when I got my first and only boyfriend she had to get one too and she had to shove it in my face! Realising that this was a pattern I failed to notice earlier I just backed away from everything and let her have it. Another reason why I was lonely. You can blame me for being lonely but after awhile you get tired of getting hurt repeatedly and having that moment of realisation that you are rubbish at what you do and no matter what you do someone could do better. You can't really blame me.

I haven't really spoken about my family because I don't have one. Literally I do but I don't feel like I have any. This feeling came the summer I turned 16, we were having a family gathering and my grandparents house was buzzing with everyone talking and catching up. Then somewhere on the brown couch sat a girl who was wearing a floral white summer dress, with her hair clipped to the back feeling absolutely alone. Despite the talking and laughter I felt alone and it was confirmed that I was alone when no one seemed to notice what was happening to me. I tried to confide in one of older cousins but they were adamant to helping me so from that day I declare myself alone! Til I turned 18 whenever we went over for family stuff I would just smile but there was no love there. I looked at them like food, I would eat them for whatever I felt like having and when I was finished I would throw them away. I looked at my mother the same way, she should have seen my pain, knowing she had gone through the same thing. Instead she ignored and pretended everything was alright. My mother was a single parent and appreciate everything she did for me considering my jerk of a father. Who only turned up on his birthdays to get something from me the nerve. On my 18th he shows up and tells me he's going to stop paying child support as I needed to take more responsibility and stop relying on him. I laughed in his face and told him he could take the child support he was supposedly paying and shove it where the sun don't shine! The bloody cheek! Since I left home for uni I haven't turned back once, I would call once in awhile but would never go home. I would send my mum money because she deserved it and I owed her that much.

At this moment in my life, I Iive in Hastings, Western coast of England. Working in a local cafe and everyday I would go back to my studio flat which had a decor that matched my personality, an abyss of emptiness and isolation. So this is an intro to my life and I will explain how it got worse.

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So what do you think about her? Her views on family? Are they right or wrong?? Do you have any friends like her?? Let em know what you think

You can ask me anything about myself since this story is partially based on me

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See you later sugermuffins :)