La Douleur Exquise
"Isn't it strange? There are so many people out there who secretly love someone. And there are so many people out there who have no idea that someone secretly loves them."
My face was buried in my hands as I took deep, heavy breaths. "People who hide their feelings usually care the most." Kenneth said. The Squad is complete with me in here, in my house, except for Joelle because she's out with her best friend Abigail for today. Dance class was cancelled and we're bored so we just decided to chill. That night when I kissed Elle without any reason was a few days ago from now.
Have I told you that the past few days, I can't help but get in this goofy, smiling mood whenever she's around? And yeah, I'm talking about Joelle.
This feeling is bothering me. Like something that whatever she do, she just gets my attention and I find it interesting that she takes up all the space in my head all the time. And this morning when I woke up, I actually want to mean something to her. My friends are here, and they're not helping even a bit.
April spoke this time. "You know what, I was asking her yesterday about what's her most favorite thing about you and she said: 'I lost faith in my darkest days, but he makes me want to believe', isn't that sweet?" The girls shrieked and then I covered my face with my hands again.
Just then Gabe was on the floor, laughing too hard. "Aye, Gabe. What's up." Will asked and then Josh was laughing at him.
Gabe laughed and then he cleared his throat before speaking. "I think that possibly, maybe, you're falling for her." I looked at him, and he was smiling at me while he wiggled his eye brows up and down at me. Wait what does Gabe mean by that? Does he know anything?
My eye brows knitted in confusion. "What do you mean? I already love her." I told him and he raised his hands in defeat.
He chuckled. "Chill, Sean. What I mean is that you're falling for her, harder than you should be." He told me and I mentally sighed in relief.
Sitting down on one of the bean bag chairs with the Squad, I sighed. "I don't know how to say this, or even if it's true. But I love the way she makes me feel. And I don't know why am I so fascinated by her. I want her hands in mine all the time, I want her to feel the same but I think she wouldn't." When I said those words, I earned wide eyes and gasps from them. "Here comes the feeling I thought I'd forgotten." They scooted closer to me and then waited for me to continue. "We've known each other since we were little, and she's that one of a kind best friend I have. Until I even grew this indescribable feeling to her. Puppy love? I'm not sure. But we moved out, and then she ended up with someone else, and I end up thinking about her, in my arms. I think about her more than I should. I don't have any clues, if this is real or not." I buried my face in my hands again.
Right now, it's time for Gabe to get him confused. "Real or not? You're already with her, right?" I automatically thought of an excuse.
Chuckling a bit, I spoke. "What I meant is that I have never told her that three words, and eight letters. Because I want to make sure that she really is who I will end up with." I told her, and I was shocked because I feel like I said it with all honestly.
See? That's what I'm talking about. Everything about her in my mind, how I talk, and how I act around her, seems too natural for me. Like it's a normal thing that I do and I should do.
Kaycee raised her hands up. "Sean, can I ask you something?" She said and then I nodded. "What do you think of her?" She asked me.
What do I think of Elle, anyway? "She's beautiful." I stared into a blank space, with only the thought of her smiling, laughing in my mind. "She's beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines or billboards. She was beautiful for the way she thought. She's beautiful for the way her eyes sparkled when she talked about something she loves, like her baby brother. She's beautiful for her ability to make me smile when I see her, even when she's sad and crying. But no, she's not temporarily beautiful like her looks, but she is beautiful, deep down her soul." I paused, and then more thoughts of her flooded my mind like a maniac. "She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She was the kind of pretty that you won't really notice at first glance or look, but once you saw her in the middle of the night with messy hair and tired eyes and tears dancing across her cheeks, and dripping onto her lips, you wouldn't want anything more but kiss her, kiss those tears of pain away." I sighed and remembered everything that she's been going through. "She's delightfully chaotic, a beautifully broken, messily twisted soul. She's a lot to handle, but I can tell that she's just finding herself. People burned her, but they didn't know that her soul is flaming. And the way she built her castle when everyone threw rocks at her? She's definitely worth it. I feel like she's the one." I paused and then I unlocked my phone to see her beautiful face as my lock screen. "Loving her is going to be a splendid, wild chase adventure. But I don't and I won't mind." I finished and then smiled to myself.
