February 11th 7:05pm
Mom says I should learn to behave and do my chores, because my Aunt Rose is staying at our house till she makes up with my uncle again.
I hear she sometimes does that. You know, fight with her husband and make her family members put up with her for a few weeks. According to my cousins, Stephanie and Teddy, she’s a little loony. Apparently, when they broke into my aunt’s room and read the little notebook at her bedside, there were spells and potions written in there.
I’m not kidding! She thinks she’s a witch!
Anyway, she’s coming tomorrow.
Mhmm. Thanks for the heads up.
But then again, I guess you don’t plan to fight with your husband.
Why did she have to come TOMORROW? I mean, Megan and I were going to have a Die Hard movie night, and how are we going to watch men be beaten up when there’s a woman in her late thirties, sobbing and blowing her nose into the colorful scarves she wears around her neck all the time?
February 12th 11:32am
That’s it. I hate this family. Couldn’t I have been born into a family were my mom would give me money when I ask, instead of nagging me about chores, or maybe a grandma who would bake cookies for me instead of smacking me over the head when I pronounce “Vase” with a awe instead of aye.
The least I could be given is an aunt who gives me wet, gross kisses, instead of advice on boys.
What’s even worse is that her advice is terrible.
She’s all like “If a boy teases you, he probably likes you.”
Yeah. Maybe in KINDERGARDEN. Ever thought that perhaps, they actually don’t like you, and that’s why they like making you feel stupid?
I mean, there’s this smelly kid who has patches of fur on his face (apparently he’s trying to grow a beard, but hello, facial hair was only cool in third grade) who always sneers at me in the hallway and calls me fat, but he doesn’t like me.
Like, at least get your facts straight. I’m twig thin. See that would be an acceptable insult. But no, he walked past our table yesterday and was all like “Faaaaaty!” (which I sort of understand that day because I was trying to eat more, curse my metabolism) and started saying these “Your Momma’s So Fat” jokes, which was totally not cool, since only gangsters can pull that off. And even then, that’s kind of iffy.
And when I told Aunt Rose that, she looked all smug and said, “See? He’s in love with you.”
I gagged.
Just because somebody’s mean to you, doesn’t mean they are secretly are smitten for you. I mean, Stacy is NOT lesbian.
But I don’t have anything against lesbians. I liked the “Gay Rights” page on FaceBook.
11:39am
I want pancakes. I’m going to go try and make them. That’ll show mom. She said I was useless when I didn’t know how to make a stir-fry. I mean, there’s a method for stir-fry’s? Don’t you just dump the ingredients in a pan?
11:42am
This is impossible!
11:47am
I’d like to use the expression “They’re as flat as a pancake” but it won’t work in this situation. I guess I’ll have to go with “Paper thin”. Aunt Rose told me (through snorts of laughter) that it’s because I had the wrong amount of water.
Who knew that when they say “Cup of water” they mean those little measuring things in the cabinet, not the StarBucks Coffee mug we have. Shouldn’t they be more specific? Cooking is so confusing.
8:17pm
Weird. Aunt Rose hasn’t shed a single tear. Actually, she’s screaming “Beat him up!” at Bruce Willis with Megan and I. Her polka dot scarf hasn’t even touched her nose.
Megan told me I have a cool aunt, so I’m lucky.
Excuse me? Cool? You have GOT to be kidding me.
… My aunt is crazy. She just stood up shrieking and punched the air. News flash, this isn’t a football game. I’m not even going that far, and one of my walls is dedicated to Bruce.
Megan says she takes it back. Apparently she regrets meeting me. Again.
________________________________________________________________________________
Give me liberty.... Or a bran muffin!
Haha, I love Whose Line Is It Anyway......
This is dedicated to XxxFragileHeartxxX Cause she is so dang cool! I also love her books. Go check em' out.
*Applies lotion to elbows* I hate dry elbows, and mine seem to resemble snake hide. -_-
Ah well, tata!
YOU ARE READING
That Witch Concerns Magic
HumorNick was satisfied with life, well, apart from her bra size, and never expected her aunt to tell her something that would have her questioning her own sanity...
