A ghost unlike any Lockwood had ever seen floated before him. Instead of being made of ectoplasm like all other ghosts, this ghost appeared to be made of rainbows. The identity of the visitor, however, was much more difficult to pin down. It was a female human except for the fact that it had a poodle head in place of a woman's head. She wore a fluffy pink dress not unlike a ballerina outfit and a leopard boa scarf, which would give the unfortunate observer the impression that this character was dressed by a three year old girl.
"Ah, the esteemed leader of this ragtag company has finally decided to show his face," The snooty dog-woman said. "I'm truly delighted to finally meet you!" She held out her dainty gloved hand, appearing to expect it to be kissed.
"Uh, I'm pleased to meet you, but I'm afraid that uh, you're a ghost in case you haven't noticed," Lockwood mumbled while backing away towards his rapier.
"Oh, trust me, I know. But, in case YOU didn't notice, I'm a FAB-U-LOUS ghost," she bragged, flipping her dog ears back. She also twirled around in her ballerina dress as she did so.
"Miss, if you don't pardon me asking, why do you have a dog head?" Lockwood asked.
"Because my ghost is supposed to reflect who I was in life, obviously. Even a six year-old could tell you that," she huffed.
"And who were you in life?" Lockwood asked.
"I was the beautiful and talented Anona. Anona McButtcheeks to be exact," she explained haughtily.
At this, Lockwood couldn't help but burst into a fit of giggles. He had to lean up against the wall for support, but he ended up falling over anyways. Once on the floor, he started to roll around and snort almost like a pig.
"Are you done yet? Yes, I know my last name is unfortunate, but it can't be helped. My mother and father couldn't decide on whose last name I should take, so they put their names together. If I could have chosen, I would have picked McButtsworth over Cheekslavine, but I had no say in the matter," she huffed.
"Well, unfortunate last names aside, why haven't you ghost touched me yet? Aren't ghosts supposed to, ya know, be all malicious and evil and that sort of stuff?" Lockwood inquired.
"I wouldn't dream of doing that in a million years! I just happened to die happy, but I came back because the world wouldn't be the same without me," she said.
"Suuuuure," Lockwood said sarcastically. "I'm soooo glad you've come back to gift the world with your fabulousness and to ghost touch my friends. Speaking of which, I really need to stop blabbing and take them to the hospital."
"Oooh, can you drop me off at Starbucks first? I just have to have to have my frappucino mocha or else my day won't go right," she frowned.
"No! I have to take them or else they might die!" Lockwood exclaimed.
"I have to have my frappucino mocha or else I might die," Anona pouted.
"You're already dead!" Lockwood countered.
"Well then, I'll just... die AGAIN! Dun dun DUUN!!!" she taunted.
"Now that I wouldn't mind," Lockwood laughed.
"Oh, you know you love me. Everyone does," Anona countered.
"Then why didn't you marry someone to get rid of your last name?"
"...I had my fair string of lovers, but I couldn't tie myself down to one man," she said dreamily.
"Ew, no one wants to hear about your love life. Fine, I'll drop you off at Starbucks but I'm definitely not picking you back up. You can just walk home. Or float home. Whatever, I don't care, let's go!" Lockwood said.
"That's not a way to treat a lady, but whatever," Anona sighed.
-----------------Magical Time Skip to when they get outside------------
"Um, I forgot to mention that we don't own a car. Can we just take a taxi?" Lockwood asked sheepishly.
"Ugh, I hate taxis! No, you're going to drive me like a gentleman because I have had to levitate your stupid friends out here," Anona retorted. Lucy and George were levitating between Lockwood and Anona, and they both had the misfortune of their tounges sticking out while they were unconcious.
"Well, like I said, we don't have a car. I also have no idea how to drive one," Lockwood admitted.
"That's okay," Anona said, and with a flick of her wrists a car just randomly appeared.
"...How did you do that?" Lockwood asked apprehensively.
"Well, I just happen to be an OP OC in a satirical fanfiction. So just deal with it," Anona said, and a pair of sunglasses appeared on her dog head, along with epic background music and a flashing background.
"Um, okay?" Lockwood said, and he wheeled away the flashing background that just happened to be on wheels. "You know what? Let's just get in the car. You're going to have to teach my how to drive though."
"Fine," Anona consented. They then (somehow) managed to put Lucy and George in the backseat. Lockwood got in the driver's seat and Anona floated into the car and sat next to him.
"Er, okay, how do I start the car?" Lockwood asked.
"What? You don't even know how to START a car? Wow, you really are hopeless. You turn the freakin' key, you stupid idiot!" Anona laughed.
"Erm, okay" Lockwood said, turning the key and giving the engine life.
"Alright, since you didn't even know how to START the car, I guess I'll tell you what to do next. Okay, shift into drive. Take your foot off the brake, and gently, gently put it on the gas," Anona said.
Lockwood did everything she said, but I'm afraid that his definition of "gently" was to put his foot down all of the way down on the pedal so that it touched the floor.
The car roared forwards, straight towards their neighbors house. Lockwood yelled and Anona screamed, and the house seemed to zoom right into them until it-
Oh, well, okay, now their car appeared back on the road, courtesy of Anona's fabulous magic. The pedal was still stuck to the floor though, so they immediately started rushing forward.
"Watch out for that- oh, well watch out for that tree-" Anona was trying to warn Lockwood of oncoming objects, but it wasn't much use, so she used her magic to strengthen their car so that it couldn't be damaged.
The following moments weren't very pretty. It was like something straight out of the Grand Theft Auto video games, but much worse. By the time they (somehow) arrived at Starbucks, there was blood all over the windowshield and a mannequin was somehow stuck on the hood of the car.
Anona somehow managed to stop the car, and she flounced out of it, muttering, "I shouldn't have even bothered."
After she exited the vehicle, the car automatically started up again, and it was very much the same horror as before. At some point, Lucy somehow woke up and started screaming. At one point, she said something along the lines of, "Oh God, Lockwood's driving! HELP MEEEEEEE!!!" She then promptly fainted because Lockwood had just bounces off of a tree thanks to Anona's still active invincibility spell.
A few adrenaline packed minutes later, Lockwood crashed into the hospital. The car was about to break through the wall of it, but Lockwood forced the key out. The car stopped moving, and wide-eyed people came out of the hospital.
Lockwood got out into the night, smiling weakly, and said, "Sorry?"
-----Time Skip to when Lucy and George are ready to leave the hospital-------
"Well, guys are you ready to go?" Lockwood asked, as Lucy and George came out of their rooms. "I'll even drive you guys home."
Lucy stepped forward towards Lockwood with a strange look on her face. She smiled, but then suddenly slapped Lockwood, sending him reeling backwards. "No. We. Are. Taking. A. Taxi. End of story. And you are not allowed within ten feet of any car keys unless you want a rapier up your nose," she threatened, flouncing past Lockwood and out the doors.
George walked past the still stunned Lockwood. He turned around and awkwardly added, "Yeah. What she said."
And so, Lockwood and Company returned home at daylight, where they feasted upon delicious doughnuts and cookies. There were several rumours about the ghost of Anona McButtcheeks, each more wild than the last, but she was never seen again. Thankfully.
The End?
A/N:...Dear (unfortunate) readers.... What have I just written?
-Agent Eepster
