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Seventeen: A Hole In My Soul

Ali's POV:

Sitting in the car with Jim wasn't the most relaxing of journeys, I longed for isolation, I craved a normal life without any drama or secrets, why can't I just take the last few years back? Never meet Alfie or Caspar or the twins or Dan and Phil just everyone?

Jim offered to drive for the both of us since I was in a less than safe state after what happened at the service station Jim had to take me somewhere quiet where I could break down and he alone for a few minutes. That was one of the worse cases I've had, I felt completely useless, as if I had no energy to even fight the feeling so I let it consume me, take over me leaving the girl I once was, replacing her with the nervous wreck I am now.

The same few thoughts circled my mind and the same horrifying images replayed like a video every time I blinked or tried to see, I knew by now sleep would be no good, sleep makes you defenseless and vulnerable to nightmares that happen in real life, until I'm home I shouldn't sleep. Most of my thoughts were about Caspar, how things used to be so different, if I could go on my phone right now, and look at all the photos we had together and how happy we seemed, I'm glad I never told him the truth, as I would've had my heart broken either way.

Flashback:

"Yeah they're coming today, I cannot wait to see them." I told Jim down the phone, today I would be seeing my siblings, Alfie and Caspar. And it was fair enough to say I couldn't be more excited to see them, but the one person whose face kept following me was Alfie's. The last time I saw Alfie was when I was visiting Zoe and Alfie was his usual self, I ignored the thoughts and screaming voices in my mind and never mentioned the incident to him, trying to make things seem as if nothing had ever happened, and still to Zoe's belief nothing ever did.

"Guessing you're excited to see them, or should I say him?" Jim chuckled through the phone and I felt a blush creep it's way into my cheeks, Jim knew for a while that I've had this small crush of Caspar, it's something that suddenly hit me like a tonne of bricks, he was my brothers best friend and treated me like a sibling. Always looking out for me but since that night I felt things change, a shift in our status or labels for each other. No longer did I view him as my brothers best friend or a friend of my own, but I saw him as someone I deeply cared for, and would do anything to make him happy.

"Maybe I am, but it's not like I'm going to do anything about it anytime soon."

"Well you should, just make sure you pick the right moment, you don't want to go and scare him." What if I did? Scare Caspar with my feelings towards him and he ends up hating me because of it. The thought of him hating me made my heart pang, shortly after I finished the phone call with Jim as I had to get moving to the station.

On the way there I had Bastille blasting through the speakers as I tried to distract myself from thinking about Caspar too much, instead something strange began to happen instead.

"He wouldn't feel the same way."

"Why would he like you?"

"What's so great about you and not everyone else who he's met?"

I shook off the thoughts of denial but they kept making their way back into my mind, just in time to pick Joe and Caspar up. Nervously I checked how I looked in the mirror and put on some lip balm and a tiny bit more mascara, then deciding I looked decent enough I got out and headed to the main entrance.

As all of the people around me began to be reunited I felt another slight twitch inside of me, how happy and relieved they all seemed to be together again, that's what I want, for someone to look at me in that way with such longing-ness and happiness that we are together once again, a girl can dream. Patiently I waited slightly longer as couples around me dispersed, as a new wave of people entered.