Warning: this may be a trigger and or bring back emotional trauma. Read at your own risk. You're all beautiful and you are loved okay? Okay.
~B.
I feel my heart drop to my stomach. What Rebecca had said about them was true. But where did Calum fit in? Was Calum like that when I wasn't around? Was he like them?
"No I wasn't Julia. I'm not like them." Calum says almost reading my thoughts.
"How about we go somewhere where girls won't awkwardly come in and make assumptions?" He says looking at me.
"Okay if we go to your cabin boys will awkwardly come in and there is a gang bang going on at the shack right now so we're in a predicament" I say feeling vomit come up my throat at the revolting thought.
"They aren't at the shack. So we can go there. They wouldn't take a piece of ass to the shack that place is a secret. You're the only girl we've ever let in there. Hell, you're the only other person we've let know it existed." He says letting a smile creep across his face as he climbed down from my bed. Putting his hand on my leg so he could grab me and make me get down.
★★★★★★
We had walked to the shack in silence darkness had fallen. Calum stood on his tiptoes to reach a key that was on the door frame. Luke clearly put it there with ease. He fumbled with the lock for a second before pushing the door open and inviting me in first. Calum was seconds behind me. I felt his body push against my back and I felt my face flush.
A small light came on and the way it illuminated Calum features was brilliant. He turned toward me.
"You can sit on that couch but I'm sorry if it smells like alcohol , weed and broken dreams." He points to a small worn out couch in the middle of the room. Shrugging my shoulders I go and sit on it. He joins me moments later. I feel the temperature drop In the shack. it obviously had no heat because it had no type of electricity.
He must sense this because he moves closer to me.
"Julia I know that I haven't known you long and trust me I don't like opening up to people at all but I feel the need to at least try with you." Calum searches my eyes for any type of emotion but he finds None because I show none. I just want to listen to what he has to say.
"Okay." He smiles a genuine smile and continues.
"I don't know how familiar you are with the concept of self hatred. And I'm sure what you do know about it you think about depression. I know that most people think that the teenagers that are depressed are all girls but that is bullshit. I'm a guy and I hate myself Julia. I push people away and most of the time I do it successfully. But you're different. Part of me wants to push you as far away as possible.
And another part of me wants to keep you so close that you don't ever try to leave. I don't need anyone. I never needed anyone until I met you.Jules I've done things to myself that normal people don't think of doing. That would get me put away into an institution."
I look at his eyes and realize that is what I've been looking for. His amount of self hatred was evident deep inside of those Carmel color eyes. He had tears running down his cheeks, I instinctively bring my hand to his face to wipe his tears, his hand comes up to meet mine holding it there while he looks at me.
"Calum what have you done to yourself?" I keep my hand firmly on his cheek. He removes my hand from his face to scoot away from me.
"This stays between us do you understand? I haven't showed anyone this okay?" He looks at me with sincerity in his eyes. I nod my head and place my hand on my heart. Calum raises his shirt I hadn't noticed this the first time I'd seen him shirtless. He undid his belt and pulled his jeans down slightly right on his pelvis was lined with white marks. Scars, he had cut himself and judging by the vast amount on both sides of him he did it frequently.
I look at them trying to count how many I could see, but he pulled his jeans back up and redid his belt. He sat back down and his hand went to my cheek.
"Why are you crying?" He asks me. Crying? I bring my hand to my free cheek and feel how wet it was. I hadn't even noticed that I was crying.
"You're so beautiful Calum, you don't deserve this. You deserve so much better. How did all of this start?" I feel for his hand and once I find it I bring it down on my lap.
"I do deserve it Julia, I'm a shit person. It started when I was about eleven. I was chubby and I couldn't stand it, I remembered that we had learned about eating disorders in school earlier that year. We learned about this one called bulimia nervosa and for some reason by learning about it I wasn't afraid of it. I went home and when I ate dinner I excused myself to the shower and then I puked up what I had eaten all day.
This went on until I felt numb to it. It started coming naturally my parents never found out because as long as I showered within 90 minutes of eating dinner I could get it all up. When I started shaving my face is when I would hoard the razor blades to slowly slide across my own skin to watch myself bleed. I became numb to that but everyone got worried when I stopped playing football and didn't want to hang out with the boys anymore. I tried to kill myself three times Julia.
That's when I picked up a bass for the first time. That's when I started feeling something again. When I started strumming it was like my heart started beating again. And then I found this camp and started coming to it every summer.
I slowly started to talk to Luke and Michael again. I came here and met Ashton. I decided that I found the only friends I needed. Then you came along and fucked everything up"
Well I'm crying.
Gotta blast
Do you all remember when I was talking about chapters 40 & 41 of The Death Cure ? Well guess what 55 is so much worse. I hate authors who are like "no I'll let you fall in love with this character then I'll FUCKING TEAR YOUR HEART OUT AND WATCH YOU CRY."
Don't forget
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~b.
