CAMBOY | PHAN AU

Alexithyma

song: without you- oh wonder

sorry but oh wonder are definitely on my list of top artists, i've loved them for well over a year and f u c k m y l i f e.

they are beautiful but ANYWAYS UPDATE IS HERE WOOH!!

((after half of it deleted lolololol))

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Joey Graceffa: Guessing you hate me huh

Dan Howell: I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

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So, in the space of two months not much happened besides unemployment and wine.

Howell never called me back to my naive self's surprise. I am still not entirely sure why I was so certain that he would call, it just felt like he would. I thought I was more than just an employee to him but quite clearly not. I didn't mind though, I made two great friends from it. Chris and I spent almost every day together; we either sat in coffee shops or just hung about my flat or sat in the wine bar with PJ. I saw PJ weekly at the wine bar where we went every Friday to, well, drink wine. When we drank wine we either babbled about anything and everything or we had deep philosophical conversions. Our topics could range from what it would be like to have a vagina and a penis to the questioning of fate.

There would be times where I just didn't know where to go, I was back at square one. There would be times where I didn't want Chris or PJ or anyone. I often put myself in a worried state, pacing around my flat. My mind would flood with memories and drown my thoughts. My head soon became an ocean that sometimes spilt through my eyes, staining my cheeks that became the sand. The tide kept coming in until one night there was a tsunami.

Time moved on without me knowing and it was a week before Christmas, my flat barren of any decorations which was unlike me. Another thing that was unlike me was to venture into Soho, the biggest area in London for gay bars/lounges. I don't usually like going to gay bars but for some reason I just wanted to go, not to pick anyone up though.

'Blue Velvet' was my favourite place by far. It wasn't a loud club or a bad joint, it was more of a bistro and the people there was tidy. When I came in I saw that not a thing had changed apart from the staff. I walked over to the bar, sitting comfortably on a stool trying to ignore some looks off of some of the men.

The first member of staff to greet me was a man I knew, Joe. ''Phil Lester? It is you as well!'' His unmistakable grin was slapped onto his face as he leant on the counter to make us eye level. ''How y'doing? I haven't seen you around here in what, a year?''

I chuckled nodding fondly, ''It has been a year and a little bit more. I'm doing okay thank you, yourself?''

Joe put his hand out showing me a nice ring on his finger, ''Engaged.''

I asked him to who and it turned out to be an old usual, Caspar Lee. He used to always be hanging about here.

''Hey I swear you used to only come here with, Simon was it? How's he doing?''

Shit (excuse my language) why did he have to bring him up?

''Oh, Simon. Yeah he's doing g-good.'' I gave a rather unconvincing smile his way. Joe just accepted my answer and carried on nattering about how he met Caspar, "If you come down here Christmas eve, you can meet him plus a bunch of guys are coming down. It's gonna be super festive and I think kinda cool.''
I came back to the Blue Velvet on Christmas eve and the place was bustling. I had never seen the place as packet as it was. I looked about for a seat but there was only one space in a booth near the back that occupied one man, I looked around spotting Joe behind the bar. He waved at me as did another man next to him who I did recognise. That must be Caspar. Joe tapped his wrist/invisible watch telling me to wait a bit. There was no where to really wait so I weaved my way through the dancing men, a few trying to engage with me but I just kept moving and avoiding all eye contact. All the booths were full too apart from one with a boy in it. The boy seemed young, a bit too young if you ask me. ''Hi? Can I sit here?'' I asked him and he just nodded with a grin. I saw down in the blue booth's sofa opposite him. The boy looked me up and down, his eyes seemed intense. He had a light dusty coloured fringe that sat gently on his forehead. He was slender too.