Lia’s POV
“I started cutting again.” Vic uttered those words, and my stomach jumped to my throat. My heart dropped, the tears poured out, and I couldn’t even look at him. A million thoughts clouded my head, all of them shouting at me, telling me that this was my fault. Obviously, I didn’t make Vic happy enough to prevent him from hurting himself…what if it had been because of me ? Had I been the cause of this ? Just imagining the agony he must have felt to drive him to start again, and then carrying the burden of me not knowing…I should have thought more about him, I should have paid more attention, I should have known…I should have stopped him. I fumbled my way off the couch, hurrying up the stairs and out of the house. Once outside, I sank to my knees, letting everything go. I cried into my hands, cried for everything I’ve lost, everything I’ve had to go through, and for everything that meant anything at all. Mostly, I cried for Vic.
Him hurting himself hurt me just as bad, and I sobbed harder than I ever have before. My nose started bleeding, mixing with snot and tears until my face was covered in liquid. I could barely breathe I was gasping so hard, but the tears wouldn’t stop. The world was spinning, and my stomach was churning. I wanted nothing more to get up and run and never look back, but I didn’t want Vic to think I had abandoned him. I kept expecting Vic to join me outside, but he never did. I was torn between my own agony and his; should I go check on him ? I couldn’t let him see me like this though, he would only feel worse.
Pain was shooting through me, and it was one of those world crushing moments where you wonder how you’re ever going to survive. How do you get past heartbreak ? How do you move on and let go when something gives you so much pain you feel as though you cannot bear it ? By remembering that somehow, some way, things won’t feel this way.
Now was not that time.
They say everything happens for a reason, but what is the reason for pain ? Nothing is so vicious, so cruel, as pain. Pain is undoubtedly the worst feeling, the most unpleasant sensation that anyone can feel. You could argue that love is just as painful, but I say love and pain are synonymous.
When I had cried myself out, I simply lay in the grass, staring up at the sky. The feeling of hopelessness was crushing me, and I didn’t even want to move anymore. I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to breathe, I didn’t want to BE anymore. I just felt like melting away and not existing, because that seemed easier than facing this. I knew what Vic was feeling, I knew how he felt, and that was why it was so bruising to my soul. Because I knew what it felt like to let your emotions our through your skin. To drag a blade over yourself and say “I deserve this.”
The last person that deserved that was Vic.
I felt like a failure, like I should have somehow stopped him. I didn’t know how, why, or when he did it, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was his marked skin and his scarred soul that I was unable to save. The more I thought about it, the more things make sense. Vic’s weird actions, Rian’s random talk….Vic had been trying to find a way to tell me, and Rian somehow knew.
I was the only one stupid enough not to guess what my own boyfriend was going through. Some girlfriend I was, not even realizing that Vic needed help. The word ‘worthless’ spun around and around in my head, making me question my sanity. I had to be insane to feel this many emotions at once, each one as powerful as a drug coursing through my veins.
I pounded the earth with my fist, letting my rage fill me and replace my sorrow. The skin on my knuckles split open, but I didn’t care. If I didn’t hurt the earth, I would end up hurting myself and that wouldn’t get me anywhere. So here I was, bleeding in multiple places and feeling sorry for my existence, alone in the dark on a warm October night. Meanwhile, the person I loved most was suffering alone just a minute away from me.
So why couldn’t I get up ?
I figured that it was me that had made Vic this way, so maybe I should just stay away. I could leave now and not come back, and the guys could all go on with their lives as they had before I came. If I was the problem in this equation, then I could be the solution as well…but is running really considered a solution ? I needed to stay and fight- what’s worth the prize is always worth the fight. And Vic Fuentes was my prize.
I finally realized what Rian had been saying- that Vic needed me by his side no matter what. Even if it would hurt me, it would be worth it to help him, I reasoned with myself. And so I stood up, dusted myself off, and walked back into the Dawson house.
I quietly made my way back down the stairs, searching for sign of movement. When I reached the couch, it was unoccupied. Light under the door of the bathroom adjoining the room caught my eye, and I tiptoed over to it. Vic was the only one missing, so I concluded it was him. He wasn’t using the bathroom, so I pushed the door open, coming face to face with Vic and a blade.
“There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path? Will others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be haunted by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward, or to simply give up.”
