Eclipse of Hearts ✔

21. Holding on to Nothing [Alyssae]

Alyssae sat crouched at the ground. Her hands enclosed the bars of a dark dungeon and behind that, hidden in darkness, sounded a rasping breath. The breath of a dying man. 

She knew she was the only one who could help him, but she felt powerless and she couldn't stand up to open the door. Frozen tears hung down her eye lashes, between which she stared forward helplessly, not having the strength to do anything but wait until the last breath died away.

Suddenly two bright blue eyes appeared on the other side of the bars. Something was said and she stared clumsy at him, until all hell broke loose. His screams echoed through the dungeons again. The noise sent shiver down her spine. She curled on her side, pushing her hands against her ears, trying to escape from that horrible sound.

Bathing in sweat Alyssae woke up. Gasping for breath she sat upright. She stared at the closed door of her room and it took a while before she was calm enough to lit a candle. 

Alyssae wrapped her arms around herself, while tears ran down her cheeks. It had been almost four years ago that these screams had forced her on her knees, but still it had the same paralyzing effect. 

With a lot of effort she stretched her legs beside the bed and stood up shaky. Her back ached and she pressed her molars upon each other, while she shambled to the cabinet. She opened the drawer, took the object and removed the cloths. Leaning against the cabinet, she stared to the shining stone which spread its light through the room. Her fingers glided across the smooth edges and she tried to remember Thorin's smile. She couldn't. Every time she thought about him, she saw his mutilated face or his furious glance, full of hate. 

Alyssae noticed that the stone wasn't cheering her up and she put it away. For a moment she thought about Bilbo's ring, but she decided not to touch it. She had found out that object only worsened her mood. With a sigh she sunk back on the bed again. She wrapped her arms around the blankets, imagining it was him, sleeping next to her. She crouched when pain shot through her belly, as if her unborn child missed its father as well. 

"I can't go to him," she whispered, staring to the ceiling. "Not as long as you're not coming out."

Alyssae knew nobody believed the child was still alive. The healers who had examined her, found it was better to remove it. Even though none of them had ever seen a woman who bore the child of a dwarf, they were all convinced the child couldn't be alive after three years.

She didn't dare to listen to their advice, even though she was terribly limited in her daily activities. The child was all that connected her to Thorin, even though he had chosen not to see his child. Deep inside she knew the child was dead, but she didn't want the confrontation. She rather lived in uncertainties. She rather pretended the child could be born any moment, so that she would have a reason to find its father. Getting rid of the baby felt as betrayal. As if Thorin and she were embroidered on a tapestry and a razor cut it in two, tearing them apart forever. 

Raphael believed it was the only way the move on with her life, but the child was all she had hold on to. It was her only hope for a better life, in which she could feel happy. For she felt horrible, ever since Thorin cut open Fili and Thranduin sacrificed his heart to her.

Alyssae looked up when someone pounded on the door. Since the arrival of the baby was expected she lived in a separate building. It was ready for the baby. The last months she had seen only a few visitors. Only some maids who helped her with the cleaning and cooking, since every effort was too much. 

At this time however it was still dark outside and she had no idea what they wanted to do. 

"What is it?" she yelled, hopefully hard enough for them to hear. 

To her surprise it was not a maid who answered, but Raphael. "Two dwarfs have arrived!"