IF I FALL - #Wattys2016

ANGER | TOM

"You don't need to bother yourself with Chanel"

"I can't care less about Chanel. I'm talking about you. Why the hell you suddenly felt like throwing her away?"

"Straight to the point, uh?"

"I ain't got time for details"

He looked at me with a pissed expression on his face.

"I'm selling the house. The closing will happen next month. Meanwhile I am closing a deal in Los Angeles. I have no more use of this house and I have no more use of Chanel"

"So what? As soon as you've done draining someone you just throw them away?"

"Don't use that tone with me! You little ungrateful brat. I haven't thrown you yet"

There was no word to describe I bad I hated that man. His insolence, his self-confidence, his arrogance...

"Haven't you done that years ago already?"

"You threw yourself out of this house. So far I've let you do whatever you wanted. But I refuse to pay for your lazy lifestyle any longer"

"Right... So what's the deal? Uh? I have to follow you otherwise you'll stop paying for my school and accommodation?"

"It's time for you to take some responsibilities. You need perspectives in your life and stop roaming around like a bum. I want you to move to Los Angeles with me. You will integrate the corporation part-time to learn the job while combining finance courses at UCLA. Meanwhile, I'll keep paying for your expenses"

"What if I refuse?"

"Then you can go fuck yourself. Either you're a part of this family and put some effort into the business or you can go your own way and live like a bum. The choice is yours... But by the end of the month, I need to know what it's going to be"

I laughed nervously. The nerves with that guy! What did he think? That I'd just follow with my mouth wide open? Him? The guy who let my mother die?

"You already know the answer"

"Well, I know how stupid you can be. But you should also think about that girlfriend of yours. Do you really think she'll stay with a guy who has no money, no housing and no future?"

"At least I still have some dignity. You can eat my shit. I ain't gonna follow you". I left before I really lost all control.

He was selling the house. My mother's house. The house where all my best memories were. And now, after 20 years spent being a stranger to me, he was expecting me to follow him. What the fuck was wrong with this fucker? No way I'd let him control me the way he controlled my mother. The hell with his money.

I went home mad as hell, ready to hit anything that'd be in my way. The anger was building up as I remembered that without his funding, I would have to quit school, I would have to look for a job and leave the residence. I who all my life have been used to never worry about money was now, for the first time having questions about my future.

I used to live my life on the spur of the moment,day after day. I never had to look for a job. Never had to ask for money. Never lacked of anything. For the first time, I was worrying about tomorrow.

As I reached my apartment, I found Sarah waiting at the door. She was standing by the door, her hair tied up in a ponytail, wearing a short white dress and some brown boots. Sarah...

Even if we were born in the same neighborhood with a similar household income, she started working as soon as she could. She was always more independent than me. Even when she was thinking she couldn't do good by herself, she was still doing way better than I did.

I looked at her and I couldn't really get what she was seeing in me. She was beautiful, smart, lovable. And I was just the guy she talked to whenever she needed to. The guy who had no job, no future and no stable situation.

"Hey, I was looking for you" she said with her brightest smile.

"Sorry... Had to run to my father's"

"Oh... How did it go?"

"Don't wanna talk about it right now. What's up?"

"Oh, you said you needed to go to the store later and I need batteries. Beside, it's a nice day today... So I thought we could hang out a little"

I was not really in the mood for a stroll but she had those begging eyes I could not refuse. So I gave in even if my head was somewhere else.

I followed her wherever she wanted to go without contesting. For most of the time, I remained silent... Until we entered that grocery store in Brooklyn and we found ourselves face to face with Lya and Mike.

His arm was around her neck and his body stuck to hers. I froze at that vision, wondering first what the hell they were doing together.

Since he found her that job in his school, Mike had been caring a lot for Lya. I knew he liked her. He always kept repeating how cool she was. He was always asking for her to come whenever he organized a party. He liked her... It just never crossed my mind he could like her in a different way than as my girl. But when I saw him playing with her that way, I realized it was a possibility.

Couldn't say a word. I was way too shaken with what I saw. Her eyes were on me and I couldn't look away. I didn't want to give credit to my fucked up thought at that moment. I felt the anger climbing up in my head. I needed to get out of there.

Why though? Why among all the girls hanging around him, he had to look at the only one he couldn't get? And why, among all the guys she could get, she decided to get closer to my bro.

Fuck them, man... I had more important to deal with. Screw them all. Girl problems were something I couldn't afford to waste time with. Besides.. She was no longer mine. And he owed me no explanations since the girl i was with now with was his ex. The bastard here was me.

Sarah and I headed back home and I was still damn silent. My head was still somewhere else. But it was no longer filled with the father. It was now messed up by the vision of Mike and Lya together. And the more I thought about it, the madder it drove me. Needed to get y head out of it.

Sarah and I were in the elevator and I kept glancing at her. Her face had no expression. I felt like a scum for being so off of it all day. Yet, she never complained once. I kept letting myself being bothered by factors that had nothing to do with her and probably deserved an Oscar for the worst boyfriend ever. She was the one I needed to focus on. Not the father, not Mike or Lya. Yeah... She deserved my full attention and commitment.

I grabbed her hand and drew her toward me until her body was stuck to mine. I wrapped my arm around her waist and kissed her deeply.

She looked at me, surprised with my sudden move. Her bright wide eyes were looking into mine searching for a meaning for that sudden demonstration of affection. There was no meaning to look for. She was my girl and that was I was supposed to act with her.

"Hey..." I whispered to her ear. "Let's go to your place"

Her eyes widened even more and I knew she was about to say something. But I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to take my mind out of here. I just wanted to cut that anger and just feel something else than madness.

That's the effect Lya had on me. I thought that was what a girlfriend do to you. So I just followed her to her place.

While I was taking off her clothes, while I was kissing her, while I was holding her, while I was inside her... I thought I would feel the same I felt with her. I thought that since I had been into that girl for so long, getting her would make me the happiest guy alive...

So why the hell all I could think about was someone else?

Why did it feel I was just fucking some random girl?

What the fuck as wrong with me?