Eclipse of Hearts ✔

18. Emptiness [Thorin]

Thorin stared at the wall of his room, that was smeared by his own blood. His knuckles throbbed, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his leg and it was even a relief compared to the sadness that burdened his heart. The first battle that was led under his name had came to a relatively good end, for they had defeated the orcs. He however wished a defeat if that would have spared the life of his sister. He knew it was a personal failure that had caused her dead. He had been distracted by Alyssae. 

Once more it had became clear that the elf was his weakness. First he had just accepted that weakness, but now he understood his enemies knew his weak spot. He was an easy pray. Everyone could march to him, pretending they had captured Alyssae. He knew he would make the same mistake. Everyone knew. 

The evaluation of the battle was just done and Vaughn had urged him to relegate Alyssae out of his life for good. He had to forget her. Now the damage had been limited, although Thorin disagreed. Precisely Dís had died. His sister. He had no family anymore, except for Kíli, who hated him even more than he had done before. 

Thorin looked up when someone knocked on the door. He grumbled something inaudible and the door handle went down slowly. He raised his eyebrows when he saw Aymara. 

"My brother sent me," she whispered, "to care for your wounds."

Thorin lowered himself on a chair and stared blankly at her. He didn't care if he'd bleed to death. He felt so horrible he couldn't see why he wouldn't, except that he didn't know who would take his place. His forefathers had worked hard to make Erebor flourish and he couldn't throw everything away, no matter how unhappy he felt. He had only brought misery over his family and he wanted to stop his misfortune. 

With an empty look he watched Aymara fill a dish with tepid water, where after she started to clean his leg. Grumbling he looked the other way when his wounds burnt by her touches and he had to restrain himself not to smash her to the wall. He was so angry of himself that he was able to destroy everything he could lay his hands upon, but he kept himself under control. Enough innocent lives had been wasted because of him. 

He closed his eyes, cursing in silence, when he heard Alyssae's voice in his head. "I am afraid of you."

He knew others blamed her for his sudden outbursts, but that was not fair. She had only shown him his shortcomings and the more time passed by, the more painful that realization was. 

He tasted gall and clenched his fingers to fists. That was just how he was and luckily she was far away, so that he couldn't hurt her. He had to accept his own nature. A fight against himself would only wear him out, whilst there was almost nobody left to proof himself to. 

When he looked down again, he saw a large flesh-wound, that disappeared beneath Aymara's bandage quickly. 

"If you - if you need more help, just call me." She stared at the ground. "As you know, I can't do much for your sister now."

Thorin shook his head. What on earth could she do? He didn't need people who walked through his rooms. The cook and tailor were more than enough. 

"You can leave."

Aymara bowed her head, nodded and left the room. Thorin closed his eyes in exhaustion, but he knew he had to offer resistance. Dís would be buried tomorrow and much needed to be arranged. That was the only task he wasn't willing to delegate.