may shatter on impact (tronnor)

20. Mute & If Only

Connor invited me back to his dorm after school today, eyes searching mine for some recognition of understanding in the glazed over blue of mine.

"I can kick Aaron, Dan, and Pj out if you want? It'd just be us." I just nod at his request and carry my lunch tray over to our table.

"What do we do in gym, Troye?" Dan asks, already dreading it. I just shrug - I don't know where they got the idea that I had gym before lunch, I actually have it second to last period.

"Troye, want to trade cookies - mine's bigger but yours has more chocolate, I think," Alfie asks. I give him the cookie and take his, just eating in silence.

"Zoe!" Connor exclaims, batting her hand away from his homework. "Do your own homework!"

"You let Nora copy off of yours," she protests.

"No I don't, Nora's just better at sneaking it away."

Zoe groans and flops down on the seat next to me, groaning at the thirty math problems she has left. I hand her mine, smiling a bit, calm, focused, quiet. "Thanks, Tro!"

A slip of white paper flutters down onto my tray, Nora staring at me.

why aren't you speaking??

She might as well know what happened if she doesn't already. I take a pencil out quickly and write back.

my real last name is mellet. go google it if you dont already get it or someone hasnt told you.

i have to be quiet. i can stay alive this way.

It sounds stupid written out.

But it's true.

If I hadn't told them that it was Tyler that day then Leah and Candace Garcia would be alive.

If I had been quiet then everything would've been okay.

So I should stay quiet now so that nothing like that ever happens again.

So I'm not going to speak.

The world will rush by me in a blur of colors and the seasons will change and people will stay alive and I'm not going to speak a word because speaking is what gets people killed.

I crumple up the note into a ball and toss it back at Nora. She reads quickly, frowning, then writes back.

troye, i already knew that. and it's not your fault, what happened. it just happened and you couldn't have done anything differently to have made it not happen. please keep speaking, troye, your voice is beautiful and there is so much for you to say and the world already misses your voice.

I just shake my head and throw the note away.

This is how I can stay alive, Nora.

The rest of the world can have it's noise as long as I stay silent.

If only I had thought of this years ago.