Sinking

amiability

"Don't wake them up!"

If I could describe my feelings that moment it would be disoriented. I felt tired and lazy and like I wanted to lay here forever, but the presence of voices in the room wasn't exactly helpful towards that cause. Whatever I was laying on shifted slightly, letting out a groan. I let my eyes flutter open very slowly, and after a few seconds I realized that what I was laying on was Phil.

"Too late," Came a voice above me and I pressed myself deeper against the boy beneath me because I did not feel like blinding myself with the hellish lights of the sun and dealing with the annoyance of other human beings. As if I ever did anyway. "Dan, get up."

I shook my head against the blanket, (I think it was the blanket, it could have been Phil's shirt), and who I now realized was Adrian, let out a laugh. I shifted my head slightly, no longer face first onto the pillow of comfort beneath me but instead sideways, looking upwards for the first time and seeing that it was my brother and his friend Susie standing above us.

Where have you been? I signed, stopping myself from accidentally saying the words out loud. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that yet, not around my brother. I was worried last night because you didn't text me.

"Sorry, bro," He replied, my insides cringing slightly at the word 'bro'.

"We were at my house, it's okay," Susie explained with her soft, small voice, "his phone died so I tried to get him to give me your number but apparently he doesn't have it memorized."

I rolled my eyes and sat up slightly, sending a smile to Susie which I hoped showed her I was thankful for her taking care of my brother. He didn't take care of himself as much as he needed to; we both knew that better than anyone else.

Phil shifted beside me. "What's happening," He mumbled sleepily, moving a little bit to drape his free arm over my torso, considering the other one was beneath me. I was was once again struck by how beautiful he was, but I couldn't continue to stare at him while he and I were both half asleep when my brother was giving me the exact same look my mother had given me yesterday.

I didn't even like Phil. Sure, I could appreciate the attractiveness of another human being. That was fine, and it said nothing about whether or not I happened to like that human being. Let's be real, of course I liked him like a friend and would pretty much do anything for him by this point, and maybe we were a little bit less platonic than normal friends would be, but it was a good system for both of us. Even if this system of friendship seemed to include him hiding half of his life from me, it still worked. Or, at least, it was working for now.

I couldn't help it; I let the small smile that always seemed to find it's way onto my face when I was around him show up again, looking down at his closed eyes covered with black hair, wondering what he was thinking about right now and what he dreamed about when he was asleep. I wondered if the apparent amiability he showed in public and around others was real, and if his inner thoughts were just as friendly and kind as he was. As happy as he was.

Even if I knew he wasn't truly happy.

I shook him awake so I could distract myself from noticing the way my brother was looking at me. Morning, I signed when the boy finally opened his eyes fully and let them focus on me, as if he didn't even notice the other two people in the room. "Morning," he replied, before finally turning towards Susie and Adrian. "And you are?"

I smirked a little bit at the look my brother gave him. "I'm Susie," the girl beside him replied before he could say something snappy, "and this is Adrian, who is Dan's brother."

Phil seemed to brighten at the kind tone she used, her sweet vibe probably rubbing off on him since sweet people usually were drawn to sweet people. "Nice to meet you! What's up?"