Across Her Universe • Alex Turner Fanfic

(35) How Deep The Ocean Actually Is?

"I don't really know what it is that this place actually has that means so much to me" said Alex still facing the waves that break with one another under the starry night and the dominant wind, "I don't know if it's the ocean, or this actual bench, or – I don't know... But when I'm here I recognize myself, I remember who I truly am"

"And that used to happen a lot – there were so many times in which I didn't knew who I truly was, or what I was genuinely doing, or where I wanted to go... What it was to desire and crave something so badly, with passion and madness" said Alex now facing the limitless and hypnotic sky, "I was invaded by dullness and boredom, to the actual limit of considering if I was truly living or just simply breathing..."

"The day Alexa and I broke up – I genuinely thought that was the end of everything" said Alex sincerely, "I thought that I was never going to feel the same way about a girl ever again, because she took a part of me with her – she walked away and left me with a hole in my heart that I thought was unable to fill again... Like this deep vacuum that just keeps getting bigger and bigger as each they passes by..."

"I questioned not only myself but my feelings" continued Alex, "I was so terribly afraid of not being able to feel something like that again... Or worst – What if I actually found someone new to love, but still fell asleep to the thought of her?"

"I was genuinely and completely devastated" concluded Alex now looking back again at the huge and massive ocean.

"Alex..." interrupted Arabella almost with a whisper, portraying on her beautiful face all of the mixed emotions that Alex's story were inducing in her.

"And then I met Arielle... And for an instant I thought that things could maybe work out this time; that maybe I had found someone who could finally take me out of my small misery" said Alex without the slightest trace of sadness or melancholy, "But I soon found out that I was still wrong, nothing really changed. The only thing that actually changed was that it wasn't because of Alexa that I was still grieving my life, I just couldn't feel pleasure or happiness anymore; nothing really inflected in me, not even sadness... I just didn't felt anything at all"

"And that was even worse than before..." said Alex now with a sad smile, "But it was still nice to have someone sleeping by your side, someone that was standing next you ... I don't now – maybe I tried to convince myself that if I waited long enough, Arielle could have some sort of miraculous effect on me... Although time proved me that I was genuinely wrong"

A small but eternal silence was now invading their ears, only hearing the violent and fierce noise of the wild and free ocean. The only lights that illuminated their gazes were the millions of stars that were dispersed throughout the whole dark sky above them; Alex hypnotically looked at them, as if all of those little glomming lights would gave him the answer to everything. He then gently turned around to face Arabella, who was looking at him with a confused but beautiful face.

"And then I met you" he said with burning eyes, "I saw you that night at the club and I felt the endless emotions that I thought were completely dead – I felt the actual thrill of living, of taking chances, of genuinely feeling something and craving it badly"

Arabella looked at him with a sad smile as Alex penetrated her eyes with those deep brown eyes that seemed so full of brightness despite their darkness.

"I knew in a glance I'd found you. When you entered the dancefloor, soft as a breeze but powerful as a thunder and with that emotionless smile that makes you so unique – each and every second I spent watching you dancing around started to fumble and everything just simply lost its place"

"You had me right from the very start, kid" said Alex now with a cocky but gentle smile, looking once again at the ocean, "I guess it was inevitable right from the very beginning"

But his calm expression mutated into extreme seriousness, and Alex started to look at his own feet; he knew that after saying those words it was going to be over, that was it: the unescapable ending.

"I think you're awfully beautiful, and it's clear to me the whole world agrees, but truth is that ain't half of you" he said looking at her with complete sadness and a melancholic tone, "Your soul, your spirit could bring worlds to their knees. I know you certainly did it with mine"

"Al..." tried to interrupt Arabella, but Alex was just too concentrated in his own speech to even let her talk at all. He wanted to say everything he possibly felt for her, because he genuinely believed that it was going to be the last time.

"You were an unexpected surprise; the defining moment" continued Alex, "I never expected it to be you, you know? But it was you. It is you"

"Alex –"

"Truth was that you were actually a risk – a mystery..." and he added to his final words, "... and the most certain thing I'd ever known"

Arabella looked at him unemotionally perplex for a couple of seconds, and Alex watched with massive tenderness how some strains of her black and thin hair started to dance along with the wind, covering her beautiful and pale face for some vanished instants.

"Alex, why are you telling me all this?" she said confused, but mostly afraid of the answer.

Alex looked at her eyes and felt the actual and genuine powerful and moving effect they had on him. He thought of his future days without those unedifying pair of eyes, and instantly felt how the misery and lonesomeness were starting to enter his life once again. Was he absolutely sure of what he was doing? For a slight moment he felt an inexplicable feeling of contentment because he realized how lucky he actually was of having someone by his side that makes saying goodbye so hard. But that was the concrete difficulty of making the decision to leave; whether it's the right or wrong call it hurts just the same. He wanted to tell her how sorry and disgraceful he actually felt, for even making her enter inside this unescapable position that only seemed to aggravate things. Or maybe these sorts of things were actually prescribed from the very start, and both of them were just too foolish or naïve to realize that nothing good would come out of their love. Alex wanted to apologize for loving her, but he wasn't regretful or genuinely sorry for that; he was actually quite thankful for every intense and minuscular moment that he had shared and lived with her. But he did actually felt that she needed someone better, someone more human and more unique by her side. Someone who inspired her and encouraged her to love her life, who pushes her towards her dreams and goals that she would otherwise ignore, or someone who selflessly sacrifices their time to help her become a more courageous, well rounded and happy human being; Alex wanted to tell Arabella that she should hold on to love like that. But within those thoughts he realized the sincere and honest answer he was looking for in the very first place.

"Because.... I love you...." He said sincerely.

He realized that he wanted to be that someone, he wanted to be the reason for her ultimate happiness and even for her inexplicable sadness. Alex wanted to be there for her, and live every moment he could possibly have with her, until the real and authentic ending that everyone's so terribly afraid of actually comes. For an instance he thought that he was being slightly selfish, that he wasn't really thinking in Arabella and her future, but as she said to him the other day, they will find a way for making everything work, together. He concluded that he would go and see Laurence on Monday, explaining to him everything that he felt for her and that there was nothing he could possibly do about it. 

Arabella smiled tenderly and silently at him, but after a few seconds she turned around to face the ocean, revealing her beautiful and perfect profile.

"Do you know" she'd begin, "How deep the ocean actually is?"

Alex looked at her firstly confused but then with a caring and gentle smile that he couldn't help to portray.

"How much?" he said finally, still looking at her profoundly amazed.

"Six miles deep" said Arabella with a thoughtful expression.

Alex looked at her one last time before planting a small kiss on her cheek and whispering in her ear: "Good".